Monster

Sixteen

I was hoping Bucky would be back soon. But after that night, I didn't see him again for a while. Every time Steve left or I got home from work, I walked into an empty house feeling disappointed that no one was waiting for me. Whenever something tripped the sensor light next door, I went to the window, hoping it would be him. It never was.

Steve rarely slept in my bed. I knew it made him uncomfortable from the start, but after that first night, he'd doze for a little while, and then I'd wake up later to find him sitting on the back porch, waiting for the shadows to move. Sometimes I joined him. Sometimes I just brought him the quilt. Most of the time, I left him alone with his thoughts.

I woke one night to the soft murmur of his voice from the backyard. I wondered if he was on the phone, but when I went downstairs to check on him, he wasn't sitting in his usual spot on the steps. Instead, he was standing in the middle of the yard. Bucky was several feet away. He was wearing his own clothes again. I'd forgotten to take them out of the dryer, which meant he came back for them, and I just never noticed.

I leaned against the wall in the hallway and shut my eyes. I was glad he was back, and happier that he decided to talk to Steve. But they were still standing several feet apart, and their body language was tense. Both were ready to bolt or fight if the other made a move.

I couldn't make out what they were saying. They were speaking so low that only a few words managed to slip through the night. The only thing I made out was Bucky telling Steve he could never "be" Bucky again.

I knew it wasn't my place to get involved in their conversation. They were long overdue for a talk and needed to be alone, but it was getting under my skin. I paced a few times before Steve loudly cleared his throat.

"You can come out, Jo," he said. I cringed and popped my head out of the screen door.

"I wasn't eavesdropping, I promise," I said. "Well, maybe just a little bit." Steve just smiled and motioned me over. So I walked out to meet two of them on the damp grass. "I didn't mean to overhear. I just came to check on you. And I know it's wrong. Your business is yours."

Bucky still had his hair tied back, but the cap was gone. Even though he was messy and dirty again, it looked like he'd at least tried to clean himself up before coming.

"Look," I said, nervously twisting my fingers. "I know you feel–disconnected. From your past and the whole modern world. And I know you want him back, Steve. But that Bucky isn't coming back. Just like that Steve will never come back. And you may still be him, but you're not the same. That's the whole point of living, though. We change. And Bucky–you're at a crossroads now. You can be whoever you want to be–Bucky, the Winter Soldier, or someone completely new. The choice is yours. But no matter who you were in the past–those people will still be part of you. You just have to choose how you want to live your life from this moment on."

He looked out over the small, empty yard. I didn't mean to make a speech, but I didn't want him to think he had to try to be something he wasn't. When I came back, I knew I wasn't the same girl who'd left, the one with blind optimism and a thirst for adventure. I couldn't be that girl again, even if I wanted to. Coming to that realization was an essential part of the recovery process.

"Bucky has people who love him," I continued, since neither of them spoke. I pulled my sweater around my arms to keep the chill out, but stared down at the grass. "He doesn't have to be alone if he doesn't want to be. And if you decide you don't want to be Bucky anymore–you don't have to. But I know from experience that it won't go away. Bucky will always be part of you, and so will the Winter Soldier. So will Steve." I took a deep breath. "And me too if you let me."

"They're going to come looking for me," he said. "Whatever's left of them. They're not going to let me go so easily. And if they don't get to me first–someone else will. There's no life for me in this world. Not like the life you have." I bit my lip and nodded.