Not Another Teen Love Story

Chapter 4

~James' P.O.V.~

It’s funny, the word love. It means so many things, well not really. It just means you really like something or someone; you adore them or it; head over heals.

But it has been used so loosely.

Like you say you love someone, do you really mean it? Would you do anything for them? When you see them does your heart swell? Does your heart skip a beat? Or does it stop all together? Do they take your breath away with every simple thing they do? Do they make you smile for no apparent reason? Do you only see them when they are in the room? That’s love, isn’t it? When you feel like without them you are nothing and when you see them with someone else you are breaking. Then when you’re with them you are complete and you can never seem to get them off your mind.

Well seeing Kathy and Cole together is tearing me apart. I’m trying to stay strong and smile through the pain of my own heart breaking. But the way she looks at him, I want her to look at me like that. My feelings are definitely stronger than I thought. If she wasn’t my best friend I would go up to her and tell her how I felt… well maybe when her boyfriend isn’t around, but this is my best friend and I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I don’t want it to be awkward. I guess I have to hold my feelings in, it’s not like she would like me back. I’m just her best friend from when she was younger, nothing else.

“What’s wrong James?” Kathy asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I’m in love with you.

I shrugged, “Nothing, I’m just thinking.”

“About?” she wondered.

“Oh about how much I missed you while I lived here.” I joked.

She giggled, “Well I missed you a lot.”

“As did I.” I smiled, I looked around the room, “Where’s Cole?”

“He had to go home.” Her smile dropped a bit, but not too much.

“Oh I didn’t even notice that he left.” I mumbled.

Sorry but thank god he left, even though he is my friend, I just wanted to spend time with Kathy even though it feels like I’m being pulled two different ways. One way I want our friendship to stay the same, but the other way I want everything to change and for us to be together. It’s like I’m at a fork in the road and I don’t know which way I want to go, even though I kind of do but each time I take a step towards on way I think of how everything will change so then I take a step back to my original position.

God I wish Kathy was still single. Then we could talk it out…maybe? Well maybe then it would be easier to tell her how I feel, or at least show her. Life would be a bit simpler if she was single and not with Cole. I wish I could tell her how I fell because I love her.

There’s that word again. Love. That doesn’t even describe how I’m feeling about her. Yeah, sure I had a huge crush on her when we were younger, but I thought the feelings went away. Or I just ignored them. But throughout these years I guess they got stronger and when I saw Kathy again they just became just so overwhelming.

But love isn’t the right word for how I feel about her. Love doesn’t even come close. The word love sounds pathetic to how I’m feeling. The flips my stomach is doing, the fast pace my heart is beating, and the way my mind is racing about everything about her. She’s my everything, and if she wasn’t in my life then I don’t know how I would be able to carry on. That’s exactly why I’m scared of telling her how I feel. Because if I do tell her and she doesn’t feel the same back then things would get awkward and uncomfortable, right? And I don’t want to lose what we have now even though it is killing me. I just want her to be in my life, even though I want her to be more than a friend, having her as a friend and in my life is better than not having her in my life at all. I love her so much.

The word love keeps appearing, but it’s a disgrace to how I feel. It’s so hard to describe how I feel about her because there are no words for it. It’s like love would have to be multiplied by infinity and even more than that just to describe how I feel.

I just want her so much, but I can’t have her. It’s like she is that toy at the store that you wanted as a kid but you couldn’t get her no matter how much you begged your parents. She just the only thing I want but I can’t have. It’s just so frustrating! If life was simple I would already have her. But no, it has to be complicated.

“There you go again, what’s wrong?” Kathy asked.

“Nothing, I just have a lot on my mind right now.” I looked at my watch, “Sorry but I have to go, I’ll talk to you later!” I said as I got up and went out the door waving as I shut it behind me.

I feel bad now for lying to her but I needed to get away so that I could think and just sort out everything. I don’t think I can be around her until everything is sorted out. And I’ll have to sort things out quickly because I hate not being around her. I guess this will be a sleepless night of thinking and sorting. Who needs sleep? Definitely not me, I need to sort things out. Not sleep. Sleep is for the weak, only the strong can make it through the night without sleeping. And that is my plan for tonight. No sleep, just thinking. Coffee will be my new best friend tomorrow, and so will be candy, and energy drinks, and anything that makes you hyper or has caffeine. I’m looking forward to it…not. But I need to sort things out and that is exactly what I’m going to do.