Philophobia

Chapter 1

Philophobia. Its name comes from two Greek roots, "philo" meaning love and "phobia" meaning fear of. The fear of love.

Something that Dan never would admit but deep down knew he had. It's all so frightening to him. When you fall for someone, you leave yourself so vulnerable. Your wounds are open and they know exactly where they are. They have the ability to pierce through your skin or brain.

You trust them with all your might since you're falling for them. They can drop you at any moment.

Dan never wanted to feel this. The sense of despair and demoralising himself. He didn't even like to think about it. Not after seeing it all unfold before him.

Starting at age 10 was when it began. He would watch from the top of the stairs when he knew he should have been in bed but he couldn't help it. He could hear screaming and yelling, he couldn't help but watch. He would bring his stuffed teddy that he was far too old and hug it as the events transpire. Whenever louder sounds were heard, he would cover the teddy's eyes and ears. He knew he shouldn't watch but what were he to do?

Only once a month. Not a particular day, but once a month. Then once a week. Dan didn't want to sleep anymore. Everytime he would, the nightmares would wake him up. The nightmares of his father. His own flesh and blood. But it wasn't recognisable to his father. It was him. Only at age 12 would he have these nightmares. When he knew he had to sleep and had an exam the next day, he would rest his head on the pillow.

But them the recollections of his mind would form into himself saying the harsh words that his own father would spit. And then they started to change. At age 16, his mother hadn't left the monster yet, she couldn't. Back then he could never understand why. But now he looks back and realised exactly why.

Nobody will ever love you like me.

Who would want to be with you?

I'm your only hope.

You can't escape me.

Dan's mother eventually did leave that psychotic chamber of despair. But in an ambulance. His so called father had went one too far with this one and let his anger had subdued his inner thoughts. He lost it.

Dan would be seen as a normal person now. However, the concept of love scared him. His mother had one fear and one fear only. To be alone. That man would target that fear and use it against her. He never wanted that. He never wanted to be left so exposed.

But his dream to stay concealed would not always work. There would always be those people he came across, wanting to rip open his little tent and climb in with him. So Dan had to put tape on every corner, strong enough so no breath of fresh air could be let out or in. His own little box.

But at times, people would like to step on that box, push it around and play with it. They would get close to him which only scared him more. It petrified him. He didn't want to live through that.

But then Dan would watch silly cheesy love movies and smile. Contradicting his condition, he would smile and laugh, maybe shed a tear. In his tiny little tent.

At age 20, Dan had a plan. He wanted to get better. But the thought of it made his stomach coil and gave him an urge to throw up. He couldn't help himself. But he knew someone could.