mad hatter // r.s.l.

19 : here

Ever since what happened between Edeard and I, waking up in tears and gasping for air was a daily thing. But, as time developed, it became a weekly/rare thing for me to wake up at night.

Studies show that when you wake at night, 80% it's because somebody is looking at you. It wasn't exactly the type of thought you would like to have when you are virtually alone in the world and have a friend/crush who is a psychopath & could turn on you the same way the sun turns on the sky and chases the moon.

This time, I chose to stay up, despite it being 2:40am. I switched on my fairy lights and grabbed some pastels, imitating a new portrait. That's the only way to stop myself thinking about him.

As I put on some music on my phone, my thumb hovered his name, and I decided to press it. He often switched his phone off at night time, he told me.

To just hear his voice on the answerphone would be good enough-

"Hello?" He replied with a raspy, groggy voice. I gasped. "Brady, are you okay?"

"Yes, I butt- dialled you. Sorry for waking you up."

"It's okay.."

I spoke. "I thought you switched off your phone at night?"

"Ever since the Edward thing, I keep it on in case you call."

I physically couldn't believe someone so sweet could have so much blood on his hands. I brought my hands to my face, rubbing my forehead.

"When can we talk again?"

"I don't know." I breathed. "I'll let you sleep now. Sorry for any false hope."

"It's okay, goodnight."

"Goodnight." He hung up first. I wondered if he would just turn over and fall asleep again, or lie awake in his bed the way I do, thinking of us.

I dragged pastels across the paper, forming endless streaks of colour until I had reached a final result. And then I did the same thing again, until I was on my fifth design of the morning and it was right at 5am that my Mom walked into my room.

"What are you doing?" She hissed. "It's 5 in the morning!"

"I've been up since 2, I can't sleep." I began to tear up and she allowed herself inside. "A few weeks back, I had a bad argument with Ross and I miss him so much but I just-"

"Come here, my love." She pulled me to her arms and held me. I could feel her look around my room, this being the first time in years I have allowed her inside for longer than 20 seconds. "What did you argue about?"

"Just stuff. But I want to forgive him but I can't." I sniffled. "Listen, I've liked Ross ever since that shoot out at the bar I worked at because he saved me from the massacre and helped me calm down during my panic attack. I was with Edward yes, but I could only think about him because he completed me in ways Edward just couldn't. I thought that with Edward out of the door, we could start seeing each other properly without any secrecy but it turned out so much harder than when we had to sneak around to be together & I'm so confused regarding everything that is happening between us because I love him, I really do."

"Have you just heard yourself?"

I looked at her. "What?"

"You love him. An awkward, tall and incredibly polite dork has stolen your heart, opposed to your late fiancé." She grinned. "If that isn't proof that you must forgive him, I don't know what may be."

"But what do I do?"

"Tomorrow; or in a few hours."
Mom giggled. "You pamper yourself and shoot him a text to meet you somewhere, you spend time together and right when you feel it's appropriate...you moon the life out of him-"

I burst out in a fit of laughter.

"Kidding; keep that for plan B, but you tell him how you feel about him and I'm pretty sure that the feelings are mutual." She tucked me in as she spoke and then placed a kiss on my forehead. "I know art will take your mind off it, but you need sleep. I'll come wake you up at 11."

I nodded as she walked away. "Thank you."

"I have my charms." She winked and allowed herself out of the room, a sense of peace that she brought with her, now lingering in my room.

+++

"How do I look?" I turned from the mirror to my Mom and sister.

"Yes! Red looks gorgeous on you." Gabriella smiled, passing me my phone. "Lover boy is on his way to the beach."

I gave my knee socks a final tug up. "Right. I've got this, I'll be dropped off by him later tonight."

"Don't you tell me! You're 20, go live life!" Mom exclaimed, passing me my purse and jacket. "Just be safe."

"Will be." I smiled before hopping into the car with Luke, who dropped me off at the speed of lightning before he was off to practice.

Ross was stood by the bench, and I recognised initially his button down, then his hair. "Hello."

"Hi, little one. How are you?" He grinned. Light bags circled his eyes, but in no way did they affect his beauty (or handsomeness, if that is a word).

"I'm great, thank you." I replied and did not hesitate on pulling him in for a hug. And it was the best feeling in the world, with a little hint of nostalgia. He held on to me equally as tight, resting his chin on my head. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, so much." He sighed. "Wanna get some ice cream and talk?"

It was a proper talk. He told me everything I needed to know, and everything in between. I learnt that he killed Edward's cousin, Rebecca's stepdad, among others. It bothered me less than it did previously, but it may be because he swore to never even think to end somebody's life, because apparently...

"You complete me, and I love you." He squeezed my hands. "Sure, we may have had the green light in a weird situation, but I'm overjoyed that we can be together properly now."

"Couldn't have put it better myself." I looked at him. "Is this where I kiss you? Because-"

He barely allowed me to finish, taking the matter into his own hands and kissing me. And within me a fire was lit, with a flame so hot & powerful that nothing could extinguish it.

the last part was so rushed I'm so sorry but I had to write to take my mind off things