mad hatter // r.s.l.

26 : out of my mind

Everything is white; the clothes, the walls, my room. And now I'm covered in the same colour, pulled apart at the seams.

All I could do by myself was sleep, and I took full advantage of my stay here for so. I was one month and a half in to the two I was going to stay for alcohol rehab and anger therapy. I was never angry that night.

Rydel apparently got away that night, Ellington taking her word. But sad to say, the tide of luck was ready to wash back out into sea.

She won't know what hit her.

The day's flicked by me slowly, each of them taking its time. A regular day at the hospital was breakfast, some sort of exercise, lunch, therapy for the afternoon, then dinner and one hour to do anything, followed by bedtime.

It was dull, but I had to pretend this was helping me in some way. And it was, it cleared my mind to more skilful murders.

But that only increased the dire need to kill that was threatening to bubble over inside me. I kept it under wraps, for now.

Occasionally, Brady and my brothers came to visit me. Dad came once, but I left 10 minutes in because I just couldn't deal with him. My work friends came often, bringing me cookies, which I constantly fancied. It was kind of them.

But it hurt how nobody stopped Rydel from taking me away. Maybe I really was altered; I don't even remember what I did, but I'm glad I did it.

My door opened abruptly to a nurse. It was a constant, they would walk in and out of here to purely check on me - half of the time they would find me staring into space, drawing or sleeping.

"You have a visitor." She announced and waited for me to drag myself out of bed and slide my shoes on, then follow her. Other patients cruised around calmly, going about their life like regular people; they were nothing like the media portrayed them. They were maybe even more normal than the people on the outside.

The visiting room was fully booked, each table at least taken by two people. I found Brady staring around aimlessly until I fell in front of her and she grinned, instantly reaching for my hands. "How are you?"

"As good as I can be in here." I forced myself to smile. She looked different, grown up. However, faint dark circles covered the skin around her bloodshot eyes. "You aren't though?"

"Oh, don't worry. It's stupid." She smiled.

"Tell me." I pressed on.

"Okay fine-" she choked on her words slightly, her eyes glassy. "God this is so hard- I can't do this anymore."

It was loud in here, but an unbearable silence struck the air around us. "What?"

"I can't. I sat down to think things over yesterday and I just can't get over how someone can do so much harm to others but you and the imminent chance of you turning on me at any time - this really isn't helping the last point but, I can't be with someone who is fine with taking the life of somebody and move on with life. Like, the guilt would just eat me away."

"Why else do you think I'm here?" A burst of anger hit me. "I have no fucking feelings except from loving you, goddamn it! And no, I don't know how the hell this works, but it does because I love you."

"And I love you, but, I just need to leave for now. Just to gather ideas in my head; who knows, there may be a future for us-"

I released her hands, and looked down at mine. "You can go now."

"Ross, I-"

"Fucking go!" I slammed my hand on the metal table. "You're already leaving me because I'm fucked up so you may as well just do it now."

Eyes diverted to us, out of pity and curiousity. Bradley shifted in her seat and then stood, whispering a mere 'I'm sorry' before leaving in tears.

I avoided the waterworks, but virtually did the same, taking the long way back to my room as my mind began to race. A void had been created in my chest and it ached for something to fill it. And I knew exactly what it would be.

Blood.