mad hatter // r.s.l.

11 : worry about you

should I start adding the songs I use for the chapters too? because I added this one as its so gorgeous and soothing 😌

"What did you need from me?" I barely allowed her to breathe as she opened the door. Rydel smiled to me. "Well?"

"Come in, Ross. We have to talk." She nodded inside and moved out of the way. Once I was inside, she latched to my arm, leading me to the living room.

Collectively, my family looked at me as I came in. I frowned. "Why are they here?"

"Don't call us that, Ross. We're you're family." Riker said.

"Yeah, when you want to." I had no choice but to sit down. "What are we talking about? Or what am I listening to, since I rarely speak."

Ryland stood up, a cast on his leg. I looked at it quizzically but he ignored that. "Ross, I'd like to apologise for saying you left like Dad did. The day I said that, this happened; instant karma I guess. But that doesn't take away the fact that I truly regret saying that and I can't help but feel like you hate me."

"All my life, all I wanted was for you to be proud of me, so I started to get into the sports you did because I looked up at you. I wanted to be like my big brother, but it feels as if I can never get your full approval." He said. "It's like you perceive me as a failure."

"No way, Ryland. I really don't. You are one of the best athletes I have ever seen and there isn't a quarterback like you- you just have it in you, and I suppose I hated the fact I couldn't have something I wanted so much because I struggled with it so much, and after that party." I replied. "But, I apologise that you feel like that."

"Is that another of your temporary apologies?" Mom snapped to me.

"Mom, stop." Rocky tried to shush her.

"No. You're just jealous that Ryland worked hard to get where he is- where you could be if you hadn't smoked that night."

I tensed up.

"This could've been you, playing for a big football team or the NHL, whichever, because you have the talent for both. But do you know what you lack?" She questioned. "Ambition."

By the time she was finished, tears were already brimming my eyes. "You should have given me up when you could."

"Don't say that, Ross." Ryland said. "Nice one, Mom."

"She's right. I'm the odd one out of this family! All of you are so successful and then there is me. I taint the family name along with my Dad, and it seems as if you blame me for him leaving!" I was now yelling. "But guess what, it won't be an issue, Mom- or should I even call you that-I'll keep my distance and I won't bother you. Hell, I may even be dead by the time you realise it's too late and I hope so because I want guilt to eat away at you the way it does to me every single fucking day!"

I could barely breathe by the time I was done, tears and sobs in the way. Rydel was crying along with me. "You're suicidal?"

"Depressed, Bipolar, Suicidal; you name it." I regulated my breathing as my siblings all rounded up to give me a group hug, and as feminine as this sounds, it was exactly what I needed. Just to know that these 4 still loved me was great.

But the feeling of your own mother hating your existence- that hurts like a bitch.

+++

"You yelled at your Mom," Brady processed. "If I yelled at my mum, she would slam my skull into my headboard."

I decided to visit her as she left the hospital yesterday night; the girl was already up and painting until she arrived. Then we sat on her bed talking, the scent of violets and soft indie music in the background setting the scene.

I chuckled. "I'm sure she would too."

"Why does she dislike you so bad? Did you break a vase?" She commented which made me smile.

"If only it was just that. No, my dad left a few months after my birth and she blames it on me. Ryland has yet to meet him." I looked at my hands.

"That is so upsetting, are you okay?"

"You know those things that you get over but occasionally cause pain?" She nodded. "It's like that."

"Aw, Ross!" she laced her arms around me. "I'll be your Dad, and Mom if you want."

Now I was laughing. Her doggy, Melanie, entered the room and Brady squealed. "Come here babe! You need to listen to this."

She grabbed her dog and pulled it up with some difficulty, Melanie sniffing me up. I couldn't help but pet her.

"Say 'I love you'."

"Your dog doesn't talk, Bradley."

"It does, kinda! Listen." She continued determined. "I love you!"

Melanie howled back at her, in a way that sounded sort of like 'I love you!'. I smiled. "That is so cute."

"They call me the dog whisperer." She whispered.

I whispered back. "Nobody calls you that."

sooo I went to see R5 live in London last night and the PCD is beginning to cool down but IF YOU HAVENT SEEN THEM LIVE, GO DO IT NOW