My 2 Year Resolution

Chapter 5

31th December 2015
That night, in my dreams I saw him, I saw Eric and he was walking towards me with open arms. His beautiful wind blown hair and his vivid eyes stare at me with love and awe. I run towards him giddy with joy but when I reach him he disappears into thin air. I spin around searching for him. I scream out for him in darkness. The only memory left of him is his mesmerising voice quietly whispering to me over and over again saying that he is sorry.

I wake up suddenly. I stare around in darkness trying to comprehend the dream I just had. I see a glowing light and look at the digital clock, 1:39am the clock reads. I sit up and stumble out of the room and down the hallway into the kitchen.

When I reach the kitchen I see my iPhone and instinctively reach for it. I turn it on and scroll though my contacts slowly even though the blazing screen hurts my eyes in the darkness.

Then I see his name...Eric and I see his beautiful face posing with Paisley in his profile picture. They look so happy. The wind is blowing their hair and they are standing on the beach with the sand in their toes as the waves peacefully crash behind them. I remember that day.

Tears are running down my face now as I sob for my lost lover. My love, my life, gone, never to return.

Maybe I should call him? Maybe I should check if he's okay?

I dial his number carefully and wait. RING.... RING...RING...HI, THIS IS ERIC. I AM UNABLE TO COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW BUT....

I hang up suddenly and fall to the ground. Maybe I should call again?

And that's how it ends, me calling him again and again hysterically calling frantic just to hear his voice. I stay like that until finally Mya hears my cries of agony and runs to my aid. She tries to rips the phone out of my hand but I scream at her, "NO! NO! ERIC! ERIC!" She looks at me with her intensely beautiful eyes, falls to the ground and hugs my like she used to hug me when I was little, as if somehow trying to protect me from the world and that's how we stay lying on the kitchen floor not saying a word, just absorbing each other's presence.

31th December 2015

Paisley's sweet giggles reached my ears, like twinkling bells.

I watched her with a fond smile.

She was staring at her Aunty Mya, as she drank her milk normally. Mya has huge rings under her eyes, but her face was glowing with happiness. She took another drink from her glass.

Paisley scrunched up her face and stared at her own cup of milk. A long, red and white striped straw twirled up from it. She jutted her bottom lip out, and picked up the straw, before setting it carefully on the table.

She looked at how Mya was drinking it, and had a try herself. She grabbed the cup, and brought it to her mouth, making the milk slosh over the edges.

I chuckled at her expression, and Paisley giggled to when she looked in the mirror across the room.

"Mummy look! I have a moustache!" She exclaimed excitedly.

I laughed.

"You do, baby."

"I'm just like daddy!" She squealed. My heart pounded painfully in my chest.

Mya gave me a sympathetic look, and grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

Tears filled up in my eyes, and I bit my lip in an attempt to stop them falling.

"I'm sorry mummy," I looked at Paisley who had a mortified expression on her face. She had stood up now clutching her hands to her chest. She too had tears welling up in her eyes.

Her yellow top had milk stains on them, and her overalls had bits of dried cereal plastered to the fabric. Her wild brown ringlets were tamed in a french braid that Mya had battled her into earlier.

"I hurt mummy," she whispered hoarsely, before fleeing the room.

"Sweet pea," I sighed unhappily.

Mya was silent.

I took another drink from my coffee cup, and felt the liquid scorch down my throat.

"Audrey," Mya began. I could tell from her serious tone, that what she was about to say next I may not like.

I met her concerned brown eyes.

"I know this is an awful thing to ask considering the situation, but......" She trailed off.

She just sighed.

"Who's going to look after Paisley?" She asked.

My heart constricted in my chest.

My baby, Paisley. Who would look after her?

A strangled sob escaped my mouth and I fell to the floor in a heap.

Mya looked from upset from her chair above me, but she stood her ground. Not wavering until the question was answered.

We sat in silence for a while. An occasional strangled cry erupting from me every few minutes as the tears flew freely.

I closed my eyes tightly, and hugged myself. Rocking back and forth in a steady rhythm.

That did nothing to calm me though, as pictures and memories of Eric ran through my mind.

I opened my eyes quickly, desperate to rid myself of those happy images.

Of what we used to be.

"Has it ever occurred to you Mya, that I'm not stable enough to keep on going? Maybe it may be best if we just cut my time short?" I whispered.

Mya's eyes widened dramatically.

"I just want to die," I whisper.

Mya takes a sharp intake of breath, and stares at me.

"No, you don't mean that Au-

"Yes, I do."

I look at her square in the eye, and she just flinches.

"What's the point?" I ask her truthfully, balling my hands into fists.

Her mouth hits the floor.

"But you have so much to live for-

"No," I interrupt her again, shaking my head vigorously.

"I don't," I repeat.

I exit the room, limping slightly. Tears still streaming down my cheeks.

I just want to die.