Chim - Every Mark On My Body

Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I think about her the whole journey home. I'm so mad at meself for hurting her, scaring her. I don't want her to think I'm some kind of twisted animal. But I'm sure she'd think that if she knew the truth too. I'm scared. All I want is to be able to tell people what's going on- I need help. But I'm scared of what they'll think of us. I don't get people talking to us anyway, the last thing I want is to push away the only people that are remotely interested.  But who are they anyway? Me teachers, maybe. Me best friend. But he killed himself months ago. That was what really messed us up.

And her, so it seemed. Kimberley.

She had followed us tonight. And by the sounds of it she knew why I was there. Its still running through me mind what she must think of us. But she hadn't seemed angry when I'd spoke to her. No.

'Why, Cheryl?' That's what she'd said. Not angry. Concerned?

It seemed alien that anyone would be concerned about us. I'm a nobody. That's what he'd said. Drilled into us until I believed it meself. And I did believe it. I listened to him because he wasn't all bad. He used to have some good in him. Those first few months after it happened he used to hold us when I cried and tell us it wasn't our fault. Repeat the same whispered comfort onto me skin and stroke me damp hair until I fell asleep. And then he'd go into their room. And some nights, I'd woken up after he left, only to hear the sounds of his racking sobs filling the house. The painful, piercing ones that he held in all the while in me presence, only to let out when he knew, or thought, he was alone.

And now I don't know whether to scorn or soothe him. Help him or hate him. But I know he's beyond help. He crossed that line when he first snapped. Stopped telling us it wasn't our fault and started screaming the opposite. Piercing everything with a blow. But I can't leave him, because I pity him more than I loathe him. We were just all one messed up family. And now there's only two messed up strangers. Not even related. But I feel like we are. We've been through too much together.

And now, as the bus pulls up to my stop, I realise that me thoughts are no longer cohearant, even to meself. Just a swirling, jumbled up mess of fear and bravery, strength and weakness, intelligence and innocence. And as I take the short walk round the corner to the 'house' we stay in, fear is the overriding emotion.

***

I push the door open gingerley. I know that I am later tonight, and I pray in my innocence that he is asleep. Either that or too wasted to notice. I push down the handle of the door before shutting it so that it makes no sound. Luckily the winding staircase is right by the door and I leap up it having slid me shoes off so that me socked feet make no noise as I brush against each metal step. I make a dash for me carpeted bedroom floor, knowing that the wooden hallway one would give us away. I cringe slightly as the planks creak beneath me soles but I'm in my room before I can dwell on it. I lock the door, and breathe a tentative sigh of relief. I'm not too naiive to think that the worst is over, but naiive enough to hold a glimmer of hope.

I sink down onto me bed and flop backwards. Me eyes gravitate upwards. I notice a few crimson spots above us and I remind meself to re paint the ceiling. Not wanting to dwell on the matter, I roll over onto me front and grab hold of me bag. I slide me phone out and to me suprise there is a new message from a number I don't recognise. I open it, and the content pulls at me heartstrings:

Cheryl, its Kimberley.

I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to push you into telling me anything, and it was wrong of me to follow you...but I'm worried about you. I don't really talk to you but I sit next to you in a lot of classes and you weren't yourself today- you certainely didn't look it. That bruise isn't from a football and anyone could see that. I just wish you'd talk to someone, please? It doesn't have to be me, anyone will do. Just let out what your feeling. Be strong. If you want to, give me a call and I'll always be here to listen. You seem like a good person Cheryl and I want to get to know you. Please dont push me away.

Love Kim xx

p.s I think you're really beautiful. Your dimples are too cute- you should let them out more often

I didn't notice the sodden teardrop fall from me eye until it hit the pillow below us, spreading its wings to freedom and then crashing into reality as it spread out in a little ring on the cotton surface before being absorbed into nothingness.

She really does care. How could she know all of that from just today's events? Or had she been watching us for longer? Noticing the change in me appearance and behaviour? I didn't really want to think about it. I tried to hide this stuff from everyone. I didn't want any sympathetic stares or pitiful glances. Because it doesn't matter to them. They feel, or pretend to feel, sorry for us for all of about 5 minutes before they go back to their peaceful lives. And I often find meself wondering how many of them really do have peaceful lives? We all mill about, everyone looking the same, mindless chatter filling the corridoors and pavements. But how many people are secretly like us? Hiding a long kept secret for fear of judgement and abandon. Is that why Kimberley understands?

I save her number. Kimberley. I let me mind wander back to her, peaceful as I recall her every molecule. Me eyes are closed and I can picture her, all toothy smile and full, pink lips. The way her forehead creased on many occasions during our conversations from anger or concern. I like to let meself think of her. She's so gorgeous, I'm quite suprised I haven't noticed it before. The way her black leather skirt clings to her seductive hips, I'm oh so jealous of her hourglass figure. And I think back to her eyes. The way I lost myself in the swirling pattern of colour and life when I was supposed to be angry. She really is beautiful. And her voice. Her husky, soothing tones indicate that she's not from round here. She's come down from somewhere up North like us, and I think I can pinpoint her accent down to the Yorkshire area. And I don't think I have ever met someone who can be so caring for a person they hardly know. I remember the way she fell through the open door into me arms back at the classroom and a slight smile plays across me lips- me once glowing dimples making a shy appearance. And I think that Kimberley could be someone I could let in..maybe. God, I'm shocked at me own forwardness. I never let me guard down this easily, but she's made an imact. She's just waltzed into me life with her beautiful figure and her endlessly curling mousy brown locks and made an impact. One that I couldn't explain. But I like it.

And I realise far too late that I have let meself get lost in this impact. The concentration it took us to try and conjour up her scent has cost us me usually impeccable reactions as I hear banging on my bedroom door. sh!t. Me eyes snap open and I scramble up off the bed. More banging. I shrink slowly into the corner of the room, begging for it to go away.

'Ch-Cheryylll if you don'tt let me inn I'll kick this feckin doooor downn you shtupid bitchh'

I hear his words, edges sharpened by the inconcievable amount of alcohol he has innevitably drunk. And suddenly all the earlier strength I displayed in front of Kimberley vanishes as I slide down the wall in a vain attempt to make everything stop. I know that he'll only get more angry if I leave him out there, but I can't bring meself to open the door. I want to prolong me pain free moments for as long as I can, not give meself up to him.

So I think of Kimberley again as I try to block out the shouting of me name. I think of the message she sent us.

I'll always be here to listen

He's counting down now. I don't want to hear him.

You seem like a good person, Cheryl

Why is this happening to us then?

you're really beautiful

I can't take it any more. I just want it over with.

Be strong.

And that is the last, peaceful, Kimberley-filled thought I have before the door to me bedroom bursts open and bangs heavily against the wall.

'WHERE THE FCUK IS MY GEAR YOU USELESS LITTLE IGNORANT PIECE OF SH!T?!'