Caretaker Kankri: Kankri X Female!Reader

Part 9

"[Name]? What is it? Y9u 6ecame s9 melanch9ly all 9f a sudden—has s9mething triggered y9u?" You lightly tap your instruments with your fingers, drumming out a nonsense and spontaneous rhythm.

"Don't worry about it, Kankri. It isn't anything you can really help."

"Perhaps I may 6e 9f m9re assistance than y9u seem to think." He sits forward in his seat, folding his hands together in his lap. "Tell me what it is 69thering y9u. 9ftentimes venting y9ur feelings can help t9 reduce the stress they inv9ke, 9r can put int9 perspective h9w t9 deal with the trigger. Y9u kn9w I am always willing t9 listen, [Name]. Never think y9u d9n't have my supp9rt."

You glance up at him. "I know, Kri. You're always there for your friends, even when they don't appreciate you when they should." You wince, realizing that revelation would probably trigger the very feelings you wanted him to avoid. "I'm sorry, that was thoughtless of me. I shouldn't speak like that of the other trolls."

"Y9u w9uldn't have said anything if they were n9t triggering y9u in s9me way. Has s9me9ne aggravated y9u recently? Shall I speak t9 s9me9ne 9n y9ur 6ehalf a69ut their 6ehavi9r?" He places a hand on the arm of his chair, as if he would get up at a moment's notice and brave the storm outside on your whim.

"No, really. No one has done anything, at least not to me personally. It's just, well... please don't be triggered, but it's you. I mean, it's some some thoughts you contemplated earlier." Kankri winces, replaying some of the more compromising thoughts he had entertained through his mind and wondering what you might have heard to trigger you. Yet again it seems he can't live up to the expectations of those he wants to protect, nor can he be trusted to maintain the proper respect a friend would hold for another friend without perverting the underlying fabric of their relationship. Yet again Kankri feels he must accept the possibility that perhaps the friendship between him and one of his close companions may fall through due to his own deficiencies.

"Stop it." The stern tone of your voice snaps Kankri out of his musings, and causes his hackles to rise at the aggressive air layered within it.

"Excu—"

"Don't ever believe you are unworthy, Kankri. It isn't your fault how the other trolls act," you state vehemently. "And there are some of us who really do care about you, but you just have a hard time believing it because you are so ruled by your cynical pessimism that you dwell chiefly on all of the negative reactions your friends have shown you. You tell yourself it is YOUR deficiency that keeps other trolls separate from you. Well, you know what? It is! You refuse to let anyone in, even when they are perfectly willing to help you. You don't trust anyone to accept you the way you are, and so you push everyone away or hold them at arm's length. You are afraid that you'll get hurt, but life isn't about security and painless growth. And more than that, trying doesn't mean you will always get hurt." By this point your voice is thick with emotion, and you can't seem to stop your rant, even though your flushcrush appears to have stopped breathing as it finally registers for him that your ability lets you see into his mind, and what, exactly, that means. "I would never hurt you, Kri," you whisper, colored tears slipping down your cheeks. "Why can't you see that?" You stand up, hands fisted at your sides, causing Kankri to follow suit instinctively. His arms go up defensively, mouth agape but uncertain what to say.

"[Name] ..." As the silence grows your chest tightens, a sob ripping through your throat. You wipe your eyes with your wrist.

"Don't worry, I don't know everything. I try to let my friends keep their secrets, even if it isn't possible all of the time. It's just, earlier I was distracted, and ..." Your voice wobbles a little as you continue, conscious of the growing silence between the two of you. "I'm sorry, Kri. I never meant to fall for you. I didn't want to ruin our friendship like this, but I can't help how I feel. I ..." Your voice dies out as Kankri's silence unnerves you, and you take a step back.