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Chapter 22

The days were log lately, and even though they were exhausting I felt nothing could get done.

I spent some time with my brother, by some times looking at him was too much. I know it shouldn't be that way, he is my brother, but some things you can't change no matter how hard you try to look at it differently.

I spent my days alone most of the time although.
I read, I attempted to draw, or is train.
I found myself to be extremely paranoid, and expected the worst from everyone, even old friends who gained my trust form day one.

I slipped off my pajamas and I searched for my jeans, slipping them on and I stepped in front of the mirror.
I looked like I was dying, I still ha don't strength, but my face sagged and my skin was ghastly pale.

I shifted my body just a bit to see my back. The tender lines where they struck me, over and over and over again.
Until I bled, and begged for mercy.

I averted my eyes, and suddenly I felt sick, and I ran to my garbage can.
I vomited.

I spit out the remaining tastes in my mouth and took deep breaths.
I travelled to my drawers and pulled out black long sleeve shirt.

I turned to the door and Andrea held a trey with my breakfast on it, looking a bit shocked.

" What?" I asked and she blinked furiously and shook her head. " What?" I repeated forcefully.

" Nothing, Matthew, I just walked in and I saw- I saw-"

" Saw what!" I shouted and she jumped back and set the trey down and quickly walked out.

I walked after her and grabbed her arm and pulled her to the wall.

" What did you see?" I spat.

" Nothing sir, just you get sick." She said startled.

" What else!" I yelled and tears welled in her eyes.

" Sir please-"

" What!" I screamed.

" I saw the scars, sir!" She shouted then pushed me off and ran off in tears and sobs.

Sir?

Did she just call me sir, she never called me that.
What have I done? What am I doing?

I grabbed my keys and I ran to the kitchen.

" Andrea." I said in a hushed tone.

" Yes." She said stirring soup and looking a bit angry.

" I'm so sorry." I begged reaching out to her.

" It's okay, it's not your fault that the war completely changed you." She said beginning to sob. " What? You think no one noticed?" She said a bit harshly

" Andrea. I'm sorry." I said beginning to feel horrible, and feel the lump in my throat.

" That boy i once knew is gone, sure he wasn't a crowd pleaser either, but-" she paused and looked me up and down. " but he was nothing like this." She said looking disgusted at me.

" Please." I said begging to tear up.

" I knew the day you told me you were going you wouldn't be the same, but Matt-" she said now beginning to soften up. " What happened to you?" She asked and I immediately lost all feeling.

" Nothing, and that's what you shall tell everyone. You saw nothing." I said and walked out quickly walking to my car and leaving quickly.

I knew I had to see Kellen some time, before he showed up at my house and would never leave.

I showed up at his front step and took deep breaths and knocked.
No getting angry, no getting angry.

The door swung open and Kellen stood before me smiling broadly. " Matthew!" He exclaimed the going in for a hug.
I put my hand out just before he did.

He looked at my strangely and then welcomed me in.

" Oh, how are you?" He beckoned.

" Good, how are you?" I asked sitting down on one of his cushioned sofa seats.

" I'm, absolutely,amazing." He said exasperatedly. " I'm engaged!" He shouted, almost as if it were to the world.

" To whom?" I asked stiffly.

" Oh, you won't like this, but Mary-Margare, you know her?" He asked and I felt my heart speed.

" I've heard the name."

Little did he know I knew more, I knew who she really was. I know where and how she likes to be kissed. I know what she desires to be and where she wants to go. I know what it's like to stay up and have meaningful conversations with her. I know what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night to find her sleeping on your chest, and you take her in feeling as if you can't get enough and you just breath because there is no other way to show her how much you love her. I know what it's like to be kissing her and only desire more of her even though you can't get anymore then she has. I know what it's like to miss her so desperately that you feel your heart ache every single day because you miss her so much, it's like she lives in another world and you are completely lost and helpless without her kind smile it's like you will always watch her and she will never see. I know what it's like to run through a meadow with her and she turn and and smile at you and you feel that could be all you need for the rest of your life, no food, water, sun, or warmth, just her.
I know what it's like to be in love with her.

" She is amazing." He said and I nodded.

" Congratulations." I said forcefully.

" When she kissed me for the first time, I knew and since then we've shared so many kisses and more. Oh how I love her and she loves me-"

" I have to go actually, we can continue this another time." I said standing and making my way out.

I only knew one place to go, and that was to her.
I had to talk to her, tell her that if she wants me to fight, I will fight.
I need to tell her I miss her so incessantly that the world is completely different without her in my life, I need to tell her that that burning passion for her is so strong that I don't think it will ever stop.

I drove like a manic down the winding roads, with one thing on my mind.

I love you Mary Margaret and I will never stop loving you, I need you, I want you.

I need to get to her.