Holding Me Back

Chapter 3

I felt the pain, and it was unreal. It stung a lot, and bright red blood was flowing down my forearm in a stream. It slipped off and onto the hardwood floor, beginning to make a small little puddle. I shuffled through my desk drawers with my non-bleeding arm, in order to find my First-Aid kit. With trembling fingers, I spread the Neosporin onto a band-aid, which I then sealed onto the cut I washed with soap and water. After cleaning up the blood on the floor, I sat on my bed and sighed.

Okay, okay, you're probably thinking I'm suicidal. I'm not. Not really, it's sort of different because I'm depressed, but not suicidal. It was an honest mistake, I was cutting, and my scissors slipped and cut a deep gash in my skin. No, I'm not going to kill myself, I'm not even close to that depressed at all. I tuck my First-Aid kit away, to be honest, I'd rather not have my parents find out about this little incident. My phone rings, and when I flip it over to see who texted me, I roll my eyes.

Ugh. Kyle.

K: Hey

C: What

No, I'm usually not this rude, but this morning, I'm feeling more snappy than usual. It's nothing against Kyle, but.... Okay, Kyle's driving me crazy and setting the obsessive part of my OCD off even more.

K: Woah, u ok?

C: Yea, I'm fine

The lies keep on building up inside of me. Lie after lie. I say I'm fine, but in truth, I'm not. I look strong and all on the outside, but I'm broken on the inside.

K: K if u say so see u at school

C: See u

I turn my ringer off, so if Kyle does text me again, I won't hear my phone go off. My mom calls me downstairs for breakfast, and I go downstairs anyways. My mom smiles when she sees me sitting down at the table and sets a plate with an omelet on it in front of me.

"Enjoy," My mom says and kisses the top of my head lightly.

I force the upper corners of my mouth into a smile, and my mom beams when she sees my "smiling". I push the omelet around the plate with my fork, just staring at it for a while. It doesn't tempt me at all, but I know that I have to eat something if I want any chances at being softball captain and making it to JO's. Nicole stares at me longingly, wondering if I will actually put the food to my mouth. Her pleading stare makes me realize that I'm a horrible big sister and role model. That's when I decide that I have to eat a little part of this omelet. When I take the first bite, Nicole smiles a little at me and finishes up hers. I only end up eating a third of the huge omelet my mom made me, but that's enough to satisfy my family for the day. Although I didn't finish it, my mom is fine with me eating the portion I ate, which is more than usual. It's not a lot of food, but it's enough to get a satisfied expression on my mom's face. 

"I'm so happy now," My mom says, genuine content showing on her face.

"Me too," I reply, the phony smile still on my face.

More lies. But in this case, is lying okay to make my family happy?

I sling my backpack over my shoulder, and my mom drives us to school. More peering out the car window, I see more of a perfect world outside. Why do I look out the window if I know it will make me feel worse about myself? I don't know, I really don't. Maybe I just want to feel the perfection that many others I know can feel. I've been staring out the window for a while now, hoping, praying, and giving up.

"Christine, let's go. We're at your school now," My mom needs to snap me out of my daze once again, "Love you, make healthy choices!"

Here she goes again, all about the "making healthy choices", even though she knows deep down inside that I'm probably just a lost cause. I do a quick body check, I'm a little self-conscious when it comes down to people finding out about my anorexia. My shirts are never reveal any skin or way too thin, because I don't want anyone to see my bones and get freaked out. That's the last thing I want. When I walk in, I spot Kyle, and I don't intend on saying hi or what's up. Luckily, he's talking with some other guys, and I'm able to get to my locker unnoticed. Riley isn't there to say hello, she's at her locker, unpacking I presume. 

"Thought you could walk in without me noticing you. Didn't ya?" A voice belonging to Kyle chuckles.

I spin around to face him and sigh.

"Well, I can try. Can't I?" I reply, and give a half-hearted smile.

"Yes, you can. But what you've told me yesterday has really interested me. And since you weren't in the mood to talk to me at all. I took my last resort- looking you up. I'm no stalker, but I did find somethings about you. From both seeing you at lunch yesterday and my research," Kyle responds, and that's one way that leads me to figure out that he's different.

"You sure you're not a stalker?" I ask him, a little weirded out by him right now, I can tell it's not an OCD research thing, it's a curiosity thing as to why he looked me up.

"Positive. Anyways, you're quite the athlete," Kyle says.

"Thanks, as to you too," I spill by accident.

"How'd you know that I'm an athlete?" Kyle asks me, and he can NOT know about my OCD attacks.

"Um, your shirt yesterday had a lacrosse tournament on the front of it," I quickly cover up, and luckily his shirt yesterday did advertise a lacrosse tournament.

"Okay then. I have a theory about you though. Are you anorexic?" Kyle spins the question around to me. Again.

"What? No, why would you think that?" I say to him, doing anything I can to make sure that he doesn't find out that I'm actually anorexic.

"Well you're really really skinny, but very muscular, and I saw you throw out almost all of your lunch yesterday and turn down Bentley's sandwich offer to you," Kyle explains to me.

"That means nothing. I just wasn't hungry yesterday, I had a big breakfast," I state flatly.

"Okay, okay. Sorry for asking. My mistake. I'll see you later today then," Kyle backs away and returns to faking a smile on his face.

"Bye?" I say. That was not awkward at all.

Another lie. But this time, I'm lying to Kyle about being anorexic, and I have a gut feeling he'll end up figuring out my secret. I really hope he doesn't though.

"Oh Christine!" Riley sings as she skips down the hall to me, "I just saw you talking to Kyle. You two are definitely hitting it off!"

"Not exactly, but I guess we're kinda friends?" I reply.

"Don't worry at all about Kyle," Riley tries calming me down for the wrong reason.

"That's not it Riles," I then bring my voice to a whisper, "He's coming onto my secret(s)."

"Which one? The one where you dropped Nicole's pet turtle out the window by accident? I don't think she'll really mind. Mr. Shelly and Nicole weren't all that close to be honest. Plus, you're sister is really forgiving and kind," Riley says.

I get it! Nicole is perfect and I'm not. Seriously people, I get it.

"No! My darker more secretive secrets," I yell at her in a hushed whisper.

"Oh, the time where you lied to your parents about how you ate all 3 meals of the day, but you didn't?" Riley tries again.

"Are you kidding me Riley? It's the secret where you're the only one at this school who knows," I say, very irritated now.

"Oh, anorexia, semi-depression, and your rare OCD attacks?!" Riley whispers back at me.

Thank goodness she finally got that. Jeez, what took her so long to figure that out?

"Thank you," I say, not as annoyed anymore.

"Oh, that stinks. Don't worry, he won't be able to figure it out without you telling him, and my lips are sealed as always," Riley drags her fingers across her lips.

I nod and put up my "strong" walls and my fake grin as Riley drags me down the halls to homeroom. Luckily for me, I only see Kyle one more time that day, and it's in Language Arts, but I ignore him completely. How many more lies have I told today about how I'm feeling though.... 2? 3?