I'm tired of these habits,
You know,
I'm sorry you fell in love with the girl who smiled.
I'm sorry you snapped into love with the girl who didn't stress you out.
You are so lucky to see the good side of me but everybody doesn't always have their good side.
As I speak into my stupid mic I think about why and what if.
What if things were solved in the beginning?
What if I never messaged you that one night?
What angers me the most is that I mentioned multiple times I dropped everything for you.
I had a good thing in my way, on my path, but you had to come along and sweep me off my damn feet only to drop me in the end.
Its funny though because when it all ends I get into these habits of thinking of you and being reminded of you and your existence.
Your brilliant existence won't leave my mind and I know you can't hear the aching in my voice, the pacing of my heart but trust me it aches like a thousand screams being forced into your ears.
It bleeds.
Everything bleeds shades of maroon and bright red and black and bold.
I imagined meeting you wearing maroon sweater and a button up and a cute little dashing skirt going on a first date being in love we were in love.
Or, at least that's what you told me.
It's funny though because my best friend tells me how can you snap in and out of love how can you love and keep secrets how can you love and hurt someone get angry over the smallest things?
No questions or commas or pauses in between because that's all I've been wondering as well.
It's all one giant question in my mind as well it's all I wanted to know.
It's all I want to know anymore.
and you know what I'm tired of it I'm tired of these habits of being reminded of you I'm tired of habits of thinking of you because something reminds me of you.
I'm tired of walking around the corner and hearing your name because of course I know so many with the same name as you.
I'm tired of getting excited.
I can excited but then I remember that it's a lie and I'll never be able to talk to you the same again.
And I still wonder what if what if you told me this ahead of time?
They say what's done is done but I can never be done until I get my answers.
And then I fall back into the habit of thinking you're mine but I know it's all a lie.
I get back into a habit of wanting to talk to someone and I just think they can talk to you but I can't.
Anybody else in the world has the privilege to possibly be yours and that's what hurts.
I know you're going to move on and I'm sure you probably have and love somebody else and that's perfectly fine but I still wish it was me.
When will I not wish it was me?
This isn't an apology letter but I'm just, I'm still sorry that you had to fall for the wrong side of me the fake side.
I wish you could see the real me and love me but you could never do that and I'm sorry that all happened.
I'm sorry I messaged you on one stupid night I'm sorry I got involved.
Again these habits will repeat I will think of you as mine but I will remember its just a lie.
These habits continue it'll be in my mind I will remember your sweater and start choking on air, swallowing my own throat, caving in all because it's too close for comfort to think that this could have been yours.
It's too similar to the one you wear and it's too close for comfort and I'm sorry to say it I had your comfort but I don't need your attention I just wish this would never have happened these habits of wanting it to never have happened will not stop.
These habits of missing you won't go away for a while and I've been told that's okay.
I've been told I'm in the wrong blaming myself.
That's all I can think when I was in the wrong I was just respectful and I'm sorry.
These habits of blaming myself might not disappear for awhile.
Habits of missing you I'm tired of.
Habits that are you,
Habits.
