there's never a simple way of putting this,
I mean there is but,
in your mind there's two words,
two simple words that are oh so complex.
I'm gay.
It feels good to say it to yourself, your close friends, your pillow after you cry from watching coming out videos at 3 am.
You think "it's time" one moment, and "they'll discourage me" the next.
We all have our reasons for hiding.
Homophobia.
Alcoholics.
Doubt due to our age.
This, and so much more.
For me, it's the first and the last.
Growing up with religious grandparents who strictly viewed homosexuality as a disgusting, pathetic sin somehow caused me to strive for it even more.
I consider this to be one of my first signs.
It was sixth grade, my grandmother was yet again complaining about homosexuality.
I asked, "What if I liked Julia, grandmother?"
She replied, "Well, I would get the Bible, and convince you otherwise that you do not."
I asked this because at the time, Julia was my best friend.
We were super close, and I started to notice how attractive she was.
Physically, and personality wise as well.
Her bright spirit always cheered me up, and those hugs secretly made my day.
Cuddling on the bus during long field trips always failed to disappoint, and wearing her jacket made me feel quite warm on the inside.
Then I started to notice other girls around me.
Although I was obsessed with one specific boy at the time,
the other girls seemed to grab my attention occasionally.
I didn't think anything of it though, as I was 11 or maybe 12 years old?
Then seventh grade arrives.
I had a friend who came over constantly.
We slept in the same bed, all the time.
Her cuddles never failed to make me just as happy as I ever could be.
I kissed her on the cheek constantly since she told me she didn't mind due to her being bisexual.
That was the first time I had heard of that term.
It opened up a new world for me, a spectrum.
I was...possibly bisexual?
I didn't think anything of this though as I was 13 years old.
I did have times though where I was tempted to kiss her for real.
Laying in bed in silence was comforting, and I never wanted her to leave.
I wanted to hold her hand and kiss her and have her stay forever because she meant that damn much to me.
Its the end of seventh grade.
Another friend appears in my life.
She's cute, musical, and I care about her more than anything.
Still do!!
This is where it began.
I started questioning myself because I always wanted to be around her, I found her to be extremely attractive, and I cared about her more than anything in this small world we live in.
Though, in the grand scheme of things, this small world could not contain the large amount of care I have for her. She is bigger than the world itself to me.
Anyways, summer passes, saw her maybe once or twice?
School starts.
A new girl shows up, I meet her friends from her hometown, she becomes best friends with me and my friends, more bisexual people!!
The girl that used to like her was the first person I properly came out to it was crazy!!
I said I was bisexual!!
It was crazy!!
I liked girls and boys!!
Crazy!!
Long story short I low key admit my feelings to the girl I liked, she sorta rejected me, we had a thing for like 12 hours?? Not even a thing.
Fast forward, liked two other girls, who both didn't reject me!!
Oh wait, in the end they did!!
Tried coming out to my mom twice!!
She rejected me too!!
"You're too young to know your sexuality sweet heart!!"
Might as well shoot me in the fucking head because nothing felt worse than an lgbt ally discouraging he daughter because of age.
AGE!!
FUCKING A G E!!!
WAS SHE KIDDING??
NOPE!!
She was dead serious!!
That hurt me so bad wow.
In the end, it was pretty okay though.
She said when I'm older I can come out.
I can come out on her time woopdy-fucking-doo!!
I now assume that since I didn't like any guys that year that I was gay, I dated a guy two weeks later, I'm "bisexual" haha!!
I almost dumped him for another girl as well haha!!
love my life!!
Skip a month, he moved, we broke up, nice.
Skip a year, I come out to him.
He saw it coming, it was okay, he was happy for me.
Best friends in the end.
It's tenth grade, all summer I've had a sexuality crisis.
I've cried about this for almost for years now, and I hate it so much.
Why couldn't I be a hetero, god? Why??!?!?!!?!?!
Now, it's time.
I need to be open, I need this weight I've been carrying to be lifted.
My friends are all out, why can't I be?
I should be!
It's my time.
So I'm here tell you, that leading up to this moment, I've seen all the signs, I've hinted with all my gay ship talking and lgbtqia+ rights post and taking part of the community and wearing fucking rainbow stickers and saying guys aren't on my agenda and saying I'm marrying some hot girl and all of this all of these signs okay they are hints and signs and now you know that,
I'm gay!
Woohoo I'm out!
Remember, my sexuality does not confine nor define me.
I am human, I am who I am.
update: not technically gay? lmao queer ig, I'm in love w/ a sweet boy but for REAL this time. it's weird liking a boy. hey! first one ever! anyways gn.
