That Broken Boy |♔| Kian Lawley

[13]

Lately, my feelings have become so frangible. I've accepted that this year has been one of the lowest and hectic points in my life from my best friend being in a comatose state to getting diagnosed with depression only one week after Playlist-Live, which should have been the happiest moment in my life.

"W-What do you mean by that?" I asked, wondering where we stood relationship wise.

"I...I don't know. Feelings are confusing, Kian. Like, I really don't know how I feel about this. I only like you as a friend, nothing else, I know that. I don't know why I felt these sparks inside of me igniting when we kissed, but I did and it's not normal. I shouldn't feel like this, you're my best friend," Ryley doubted herself constantly like she was trying to block away how she felt for me, her mouth and brain is whispering one thing while her heart and eyes are shouting the opposite.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I knew you didn't feel the same way, I didn't think of the way it would effect us, I'm sorry."

She fidgeted with her thumbs, twirling them in a circular motion which somehow calmed her nerves, "Can we just forget this day and go back to normal?" She questioned, looking up at me with tumescent, glossy eyes--and as much as I wanted to deny everything, shake my head, screaming out how I felt, I nodded hesitantly and opened my arms wide which she reluctantly leaped into and we towered to the ground like jenga blocks.

"I love you," I declared and despite the awkward tension in the air, I managed to draw a giggle out of her mouth.

"I love you more."

"Not possible," I replied, wiping her remaining tears with my thumbs as I gazed into her eyes, but she broke the staring contest as soon as her head came in contact with my chest when she laid down, sighing contently.

"Anything's possible, kiwi."

No other words were exchanged and the silence wasn't deafening, only comforting. Her inhalation was steady as I felt her chest rise and fall against mine, our breathing in complete sync. If it weren't for Ryley smiling while squinting her eyes closed, I would've assumed she had fallen asleep.

"Have you ever just sat down and thought about life, how far you have come, where you would be without something happening?"

I shook my head, feeling my mop hair shuffling across the hardwood floor of her room as Ryley's matte black painted nails collided with the wood in the process.

"It's just such a crazy thought. Imagine if I never needed directions to the store about a year ago, you would've never saw me or saved me and we wouldn't be here right now. If my mom was still alive, I wouldn't be living with you. There's so many bad things and people in this world, so many things that could happen to you and so many things and paths you choose to go down, sometimes there's a good outcome and a bad. Never did I think you befriending me would have the best outcome of my life."

"I never thought of it like that, I guess I just didn't want to look back on the bad things that have happened to me, like being bullied for YouTube or the horrible anxiety I had freshmen and sophomore year before I had actually told my mom about it and got help, but I never look back on the good, like how starting YouTube would bless me with the amazing boys I'm living with and all the friends I've made because of it."

She tilted her head up, laid both her arms across my chest and rested her chin on top of her hands while she gazed into my eyes. It already feels like her and I have gone back to normal, the 'I love you as a friend' kind of normal and I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing.

"What is being a YouTuber like? How does it feel to have people that don't hate you but look up to you as a person?"

I thought for a second about how I should word this sentence, so that I wouldn't sound like someone who wasn't grateful for the people in their lives, "I mean, it's amazing, but at the same time it can be quite stressful. You barely have a personal life, no one understands your job whenever they ask you what you do, because trying to explain what YouTubers do is hard. People look at you weirdly whenever you say that you make videos of yourself in your bedroom and post them online, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I love what I do and the people that still continue to watch and support me even though I've done some things that weren't okay. It's nice to know that there will always be someone there in my corner whether it's my second family, friends or family."

"That's cool, it must be fun to enjoy what you do and have people supporting you like fans and friends like Connor, Ricky and Jc," she trailed her sentence off, resting her head back down on my chest as her hair tickled my neck and nose, but I didn't mind right now.

"Are you tired? Do you want to get off the floor and go to bed?"

She shrugged and struggled to stand up on her feet, "I guess so...I'm going to take a shower and brush my teeth and stuff."

"Have fun!" I exclaimed as I staggered out of her room, squeaking the door closed behind me. My hand lingered on the brass doorknob for a few seconds extra while getting lost deep in thought about the downturn of events that had happened today.

Sure, it was wrong to forget to mention anything about my iCloud being hacked along with her privacy being breached almost as much as mine, but I would say since she hasn't really touched her phone at all and most likely won't until the pictures of her and I wash over, it isn't too important.

Ryley is someone who, first and foremost, takes pride in being with you and wouldn't dream of keeping you on the down low, or undercover. She is someone who acknowledges your accomplishments and strengths, but is also there to help you when your weaknesses get the best of you. She will also be someone who is proud when you succeed and supports you fully, but is also there to pick you up when you fall down. She is someone who will feel blessed and lucky to have you and appreciates everything you have to give, no matter the size of the portion. She is someone who knows that nobody can compare because she has already found somebody who embodies all they have ever wanted.

Do you know how satisfying it is to have somebody who actually realizes just how good they have it when they have you?

People like Ryley give you the feeling of being wanted in this world by someone who will always be by your side no matter the circumstances, she is my best friend and I couldn't ask for anything better than what I have right here behind this bedroom door.