Journals

Journal 12: 11-16-15

I can't help but to write at the moment.

My feelings are getting the best of me and I can't do anything but think about them.

So I figured it'd be best to write about them.

I'm not sure if I'll publish this part, but I'll think about that later.

Lately, I've been super depressed and I've been crying myself to sleep. I'm not sure why, because my relationship is perfectly fine, I'm just having a lot of anxiety attacks and depression. I'm not sure why.

I just realized, I repeated myself.

I've told my doctor that I have anxiety and that I feel really depressed occasionally. This was a while ago, but she didn't prescribe anything to control it. My friend told me that, that was common, but I don't think it's right. If I want help, I should be able to get some. Especially if I paid a fortune to come to the doctor's office.

Although, I do feel that he's becoming distant, I don't think I have anything to worry about because I talked to him about it.

I just don't understand.

He told me not to worry about it, but I don't understand.

He told me it wasn't a big deal, but it is to me.

I haven't seen him in ages.

Of course, I do pick him up in the mornings for school, but I meant that we don't hang out anymore. It's been at least 2-3 weeks since he's come over.

Maybe it's good to have a break sometimes, but I can't take it anymore.

I get that it's healthy to have a break, but I don't want one.

I can't tell if he's trying to tell me something or not. I told him that I hope he doesn't think I'm clingy, but I fear he does.

I try so hard not to be clingy. I can't help that I care about him and I want to make him happy because he's had such a hard life. Life is too hard.

I want to do what's best for him. I want to make him the happiest person alive.

I just don't want that to involve him leaving me.

I've been through a tough time too. I can't lose him. Not now.

I feel like there's so much more to say but I have no words for how I feel at the moment.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm publishing this. And all of you are going to think I'm f*cking crazy.

~maddi:*