The Infinite White

Chp. 7 - I forgive, But won't forget

I ran them through the events of the day, the two encounters with Holden and how I still felt, the confusion of everything and how he said he would never give up on trying to prove to me he's worth a second chance. By the end I was reduced to tears and laid on top of Alexis' stomach with Lianna spooning me and Jeremy lying in front of me, Quinn and Mickey also managed to fit onto my bed but how that happened I don't know. Jeremy wiped the last of my tears away while Alexis played with my hair and Lianna's head was craddled between my shoulder and head, while her hands played with the hem of my shirt. 

"Maybe he really is sorry" Quinn voiced after a couple of minutes silence, 

"So what?" Lianna said, 

"What he did was so not ok" Alexis sat up and my head moved to her lap. 

"He's her mate, I know what he did was wrong, but it's been months since that has happened and he hasn't exactly been Mr Playboy mansion lately, ever since she's returned he's been acting different". Quinn was right and I'm so confused, how can I hate someone I love and love someone I hate, I just wish I had a normal mate and none of this would have happened. 

"I have a feeling that tonights sleepover has an added four members and has moved to Lily's house" Alexis looked around at everyone and Jeremy smiled at her, I laughed for no apparent reason.

"Should we call Taylor to see if he wants to come?" Mickey asked, 

"I already did, he said he was busy" Lianna shrugged. 

"Well he obviously doesn't know what he's missing" Jeremy jumped up, "Come on Mickster, we have to hit the supermarket, there is junk food that must be bought" Jeremy took off out the door with mickey running after him, acting like they were superman. 

"And we have to go look at the movie store your parents seem to have in the study" Lianna said pulling me up with her, I grabbed Alexis and we hit the study, picking a few scary, a few comedy and a few action and steering clear of the romances.

Maybe Quinn was right, i'm not doing anybody a favour by holding onto the past, maybe I could forgive him but the memory would always be there, what he did, i'm not sure if I could go back to being his mate. It was dark when I woke up, guessing it was close to daybreak, manoeuvring around the sleeping body of my friends and into the darkness of the house, waiting for my eyes to adjust, I climb the stairs to the second floor but instead of taking the stairs to my room I turn and find myself heading for Amber's room. The words I wanted to say were jumbled in my head, I hated saying sorry but hated what has happened between us more. Pushing the door open the moon filtered the room, it was close to the fullmoon and it had everybody on edge, maybe that's why i've been lashing out at people, and not giving them time to explain, I knew I regretted the words I said to Holden the second they left my mouth but the damage had been done and I knew I had to talk to him. 

"Amber" I whispered, there was slight movement but she didn't say anything, "Amber please answer me" I moved to the end of her bed, I knew she was awake, her breathing changed the minute I said her name. 

"What?" she mumbled, obvoisuly tired, but I had to say it to her before I lost the nerve, 

"I need to talk to you" I flop onto the end of her bed, just missing her feet and I stare up at the ceiling, 

"I still have two hours of sleep before I have to get up, what is it?" she groaned flicking on her lamp, which didn't really had tha tmuch light to the room. She sat up and stared at me, her blonde hair all frizzy from a restless sleep. 

"I'm sorry" I pushed the words out of my mouth, she stiffened, her breathing coming uneven, I had to steady myself, I was shaking and my heart was pounding. 

"You're sorry?" I turned to her and she had tears in her eyes, "Lily, I've been saying i'm sorry all week" she managed to get out without her voice shaking, 

"I know and I wish I didn't, I just wasn't ready for what I had to face" I cursed myself for letting the tears come so easily, not moving from my position, I turned my head back to face the ceiling, "all Summer I had bee preparing myself for what I was going to do, how I was going to feel when I returned and then I did and it was nothing like I expected. I should have forgiven you months ago, you're my sister, I hate how I've been treating you. I love you above anything in the world" my voice cracked and I broke down, the tears streamed down my face, 

"I was so stupid" Amber said, managing to speak beyond the sobs where I was having trouble, 

"I was angry that day, I was hurt and in pain, I guess because it took me so long to see what Holden really was, he didn't want me as a mate"

"Yes he did" Amber interjected, "Everyday you were gone he called wanting to know if we had heard anything, he knew he made a terrible mistake, and he was hurting, he needed you Lily, we had lost him for a while", she whispered, 

"What?" I sat up looking at her, 

"He had disappeared, he had given in to the sorrow and grief, he gave into his wolf, no one could bring him back. And then one day he just showed up again, in his human form, he was still hurting you could see that but he managed to pull through. Nobody could get anything out of him, not even his father or Cooper, nobody mentioned you around him because we were afraid he would lose control again" I didn't know that, all the grief and pain I felt over the summer, the long period of time when it was stronger then I could bare, that was him, in his wolf. 

"I never wanted that to happen" I admitted and I didn't, the last thing I wanted was to lose Holden in any way. 

"I know" she said calmly, "he still loves you Lily" 

"And I still love him, but i'm not sure it's enough anymore, I can't forget what he did, what you both did, but I'm willing to move passed it. I am forgiving you, both of you, but I'm not sure I'm ready or will ever be ready to be his mate again". Amber jumped at me and hugged me, crying into my pyjama shirt, 

"I've missed you Lily" she spoke through her sobs and I smiled, I had her back, I had my sister back. 

"Thank God" Alexis burst through the room and jumped on us, Amber and I giggled, 

"We've been waiting forever for this to happen" Lianna came running through the room and stacked us. 

Mom and Dad were surprised to find us all asleep in Amber's room, but I woke seeing tears in their eyes as they watched me and Amber hold each other while we slept.
Mom had prepared a huge breakfast for us, pancakes, bacon and eggs, fruit bowls and waffles, with hot coffee and frshly squeeze OJ, I had never been so happy.

I looked for him at school, homeroom, in English, even in the closet, but by Lunch time I resorted to going to Cooper, 

"He stayed at home" he said before I could even ask the question, 

"Why?" I asked, and he just looked at me as if I was the dumbest thing in the world, "That's what I need to talk to him about" I muttered, ashamed that my words hurt him so much. 

"Words are cheap, Lily, sometimes it's better to show people how we feel instead of saying it" he raised an eyebrow at me, 

"Shouldn't you be telling Holden that" I said I little too roughly, 

"I have and now I'm telling you. Holden knows it's a slim chance of you forgiving him and an even slimmer chance of you getting back with him but he wants to try."

"I have forgiven him, sort of, I wanted to tell him" I blurted out, "but..." I couldn't say the words but Cooper understood. Reaching up I hugged him, and something jumped inside me, heart raced and I lingered a little too long, pulling back I looked at Cooper and instantly turned and left when I realised what was happening, it couldn't, it can't. I can't be falling for Cooper. 

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