El-Oh-Vee-Ee (BoyxBoy)

Betrayal

I guess I stayed at Vance's, because I woke up on his floor. I thought it was weird at first, but then I remembered he's still in the closet, so it was probably a good thing that I was on the floor. He was still sleeping, sprawled across his bed. It was kind of adorable, minus the fact that he was practically drooling. 

I stood up and stretched, which I guess woke him up. "Hey, sleepyhead." 

"Coming from you?" I smiled, sitting next to him. "Practically dousing your pillow with drool."

"You have a massive bed head. You're the sleepyhead here." He chuckled, sitting up and hugging me.

I started feeling bad again, so I inched away.

 This is Tori's ex. What the hell am I doing? Whether he's gay or not, this is wrong. Tori still really likes him. I mean we aren't having sex or anything, I'm not sure I even want to kiss the guy again. But this is still wrong.

"What's wrong, X?" He looked into my eyes. I quickly shifted my glance, avoiding eye contact. 

"This isn't about me being in the closet, is it? It's not permanent." He touched my arm in an attempt to pull me closer. 

"No. It isn't about that."

"Then what's going on?"

"This is going to hurt Tori, and you know it." I said through clenched teeth.

"It isn't her fault I'm not into girls. We broke up for a reason," Vance said softly. "I tried to tell myself I liked her. I did everything I could to make her leave. And I'm not coming out for a long time anyway. How would she know?"

"It doesn't matter if you're not coming out, I don't want to hurt my best friend. I can't hurt her. And I can't keep shit from her either. Especially if it's something like this, she'll pry and pry until I tell her." I sighed. "I can't do that to her. She's still into you." 

"She can't just become a guy overnight. I'm not into her. I'm not into girls. And she can't get mad at you for who you like either. She'll have to accept it."

"That's not the kind of person she is, and you know it." I snapped.

"You had to watch her flit from guy to guy, happy all the time, while you sat there, lonely. You were always alone, but she dragged you everywhere, the football games where she cheered me on in the stands. Everywhere she was with someone. Don't you think you deserve a turn?" Vance's eyes practically stared through me. "If she really cared about either of us, she'd let us be happy." 

"It's betrayal, Vance. I'm not that kind of person. I mean I never expected this kind of thing to happen, but still. It's wrong." 

"It's betrayal if you tell her." His hands slid around my waist. 

"You really don't get it, do you?" I eased out of his embrace. "Even if she were okay with it, this couldn't happen and you know it."

"It could, I graduate next semester." He took both of my hands in his. "When I graduate, I can move out, and we can be together. No one will be able to say anything." 

"I don't want a closet relationship. Those don't end well." I seethed. 

"It isn't for long, Xander," Vance pleaded. "Just a little while longer."

"I can't do that. It isn't fair to either of us to have to hide the way we really feel and you know it." I met his eyes with mine. "And I'm not even sure how I feel yet. I don't trust my feelings. For all I know I could be kidding myself..."

There's still Zack to think about. We haven't really talked since that fight and I need to make things okay again, even if it means just going back to being adopted cousins, minus the kissing. I was awful to him, I should have at least apologized before I went home with Vance. But asking him to take me home now would be just plain rude. Wrong. I'm not that rude. I know my limits. 

I need to figure my feelings out before I consider a relationship, whether it be with Vance or with Zack. I might not have any real experience with dating, but I know closet relationships don't end well. I've seen movies, I've heard stories. It'd pretty much be the same way with Zack, wouldn't it, since we're technically family? Closeted means not telling anyone... And dating family, let's face it, is pretty much the most disgusting thing on the planet (next to cannibalism and rape in my opinion, all three of them are god awful), whether I'm adopted or not. People won't know that unless I tell them. And I can't tell anyone about either of them. 

Tori would forever hate me if I started dating Vance. I know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. I tell her everything, from what's bothering me to the last time I took a shit. We've got that kind of friendship. I can't lose her. She's all I really have. And I'd hate myself if I let my first love be a complete twatface jock like him. He bullied me for a long time. I don't care if it was one of those 'if a guy is mean to you, it means he likes you' bullshit situations, I refuse to be that stupid. Those situations don't even really exist, Mindy just wanted to make me feel better about myself back then. I came out to her when I was twelve, and people at school already knew and bullied me for it. 

"Vance, can you just take me home? I need to think about all of this." I said softly, breaking the silence between us.

"Yeah. Sure." Those were the last words he said to me; the car ride was silent.