Dear Diary: The Thoughts and Extracts of Mary Bennet

Desperate to Find Love

*** I do not own Pride and Prejudice. Or it's characters. Or any location mentioned in it. Hope you enjoy this:) and thanks for reading!

~Desperate to Find Love~

Dear Diary,

This morning Mama came to my room when the sun was barely peaking over the horizon, tugging at the comforter of my bed. She told me to rise and put on my finest dress, as she pulled out one of Lizzie's old corsets. She declared she would take me to town to try and find me a husband... Oh Mama... She claimed that her nerves could not take her daughter becoming an old spinster, and she swears she will find me a suitable young man by sun down. How silly she is...to think a young man would want to marry me?!

After Mama fixed my mousy brown hair into a lovely bun and tied Lizzie's corset securely around me, she helped me into a cream dress. It was low cut, which made me feel quite uncomfortable. Mama gave me white, silk gloves to wear on my calloused hands, and tiny black shoes with a small heel on them, very different from my regular sandals. She also tied a silly bonnet to my head and handed me a lace parasol. This was humiliating... I felt like Lydia!

Mama exited my room as she continued talking to herself about how many young gentlemen I will meet in town and how she would not allow one of her daughters to remain unmarried. I tell you, she was quite set on getting me to fall in love. To bad she will be disappointed. It has been a year since Jane, Lizzie and Lydia were wed. I believe Kitty will be someday. But for myself... No.

As I started to leave the room, planning to descend the stairs, the mirror caught my eye. I gazed at my unrecognizable reflection in regret. If I was fortunate enough to find love one day, this is not how I wanted to find it. I want a man who would love me! Not by a certain way I dress...

Once we entered the carriage, Mama's plan disintegrated quickly. I was not in the best mood because I had planned to practice on the piano today. Mama was not happy either, giving me long speeches about poise and how to attract attention. I'm sure she is an expert in both...

Rain had filled the night before, making the dirt ground turn to mush. As soon as I stepped foot out of the carriage, my heel sunk deep into the sticky mess, also ruining my cream dress. I bit my lip, knowing Mama would not be happy...and she wasn't. She pulled me up and told me to stop fooling around, and that this was serious business. A group of five militia men walked by, snickering at my mistake. My cheeks flushed into a bright red as Mama pulled me into a shop.

The rest of the day was a disaster! What little pride I had was lost to Mama making a fool out of me, and my unspeakable clumsiness. Rain began to fall from the darkening sky once more, soaking my ruined dress and wilting bonnet. Mama shoved me into the carriage, stating angrily that it was time to go back home.

The carriage ride home was saturated with a stabbing silence. I know I had brought shame to our Bennett home, and possibly ruined my chances at ever marrying.... But I do not care!

As soon as the carriage stopped, I shot out of the door, running barefoot through the flooded garden, shoes in hand. My bonnet had fallen and remained tied to my neck, trailing behind me in the wind. I did not stop running until I flew onto my unmade bed, sobbing from embarrassment and shame.

This continued for at least a half hour, then I took hold of my emotions and wiped my swollen eyes. I bathed, changed my muddy clothes and braided my damp hair. I sat at my window and watched as the rain fell in sheets onto our home. I escaped to our library and took a book I knew would keep me entertained until I was called for dinner, then I retreated back here, to my room.

I shall read after I am done writing all of this, and perhaps, something interesting may happen during dinner. Who knows? Well I am desperate to begin this book, so I shall write again later.

Until again,

Mary