Digital Mutation (Book Five)

Chapter 4: Reality Ruined My Life

"Hey, Raph?" Leonardo calls, heading into the dojo.

Raphael tenses at the sound of his brother's voice. The dojo is a mess, the weapons rack toppled over and one of his sai lodged in the far wall, and it took all of Raphael's self-control to stop from going so wild that he'd cause damage to Splinter's shelf of memories.

He looks over his shoulder as Leonardo approaches, his expression concerned yet understanding. As he starts to open his mouth, Raphael turns, stopping him.

"No," Raphael growls, pointing back towards the door. "Don't even try. I'm not in the mood for your...big brother-ness, or whatever."

Leonardo rolls his eyes as he carefully steps over some of the fallen weapons. "Mikey wasn't trying to be mean," he starts. "He's just a little—"

"Idiotic?" Raphael mutters.

"I was going to say giddy," he corrects. "He was excited about Annalise replying to him, and he didn't think."

Raphael huffs and kicks a loose bō staff across the room. "Yeah, that's the damn problem."

His chest aches, and no matter what he punches, it doesn't go away. It'd be easier if he didn't have a heart. At least then, he wouldn't feel anything. Instead, he's feeling everything far too much, never able to move on.

"Talk to me, Raph," Leonardo says. When Raphael doesn't answer, fists shaking at his sides, Leonardo's lips purse. "It...looked like you were feeling better. You were acting more like yourself again, and then, suddenly, you were..." He gestures vaguely at Raphael and the dojo.

Raphael sucks in a deep breath and tries to relax his shoulders. "I just..." He stops, hating the way his throat tightens, choking his voice. "I can't stop thinking about her. No matter what I do, she's..."

He growls and grips his head for a moment, like he's fending off a headache. He can still picture her hazel eyes, her lovely light brown skin and thick, dark hair with the dyed red ends. He swears he can smell her shampoo if he thinks about it too much.

"It's like she won't leave me alone," he whispers. He looks up at Leonardo, hating how weak every part of him feels. "I feel crazy."

Leonardo lets out a soft hum and nods, crossing his arms over his chest. There's melancholy in his eyes, carefully hidden longing. "I get it."

Raphael sighs again as he stoops to pick up some of the fallen weapons. It gives him something to do, a reason not to look Leonardo in the eye.

"Did something happen? Did she reach out?" Leonardo asks, words careful.

Raphael's hand stills around a naginata. "When I went out on solo patrol the other night, I saw her coming out of the Argosy." He shakes his head, lips pressing together in a wobbly line. "She was with some...some guy. They were smiling, laughing, the whole thing. She's moved on."

Leonardo picks up the empty rack and sets it back up, starting to rearrange the fallen weapons on it as Raphael hands them over. "You broke up...sort of."

"We weren't together."

"So, do you blame her? She couldn't stay hung up on you forever."

"I don't want her to move on," he admits. "I want..." He hates saying it out loud, but it slips out before he thinks too much. "I want her to hurt like I'm hurting."

"Come on, you don't mean that, Raph."

"If she's moving on and I'm still stuck on her, then it means—" He grits his teeth, fists shaking again. The kama in his hand suddenly seems very, very breakable, and he watches as it starts to bend in his hands, wood creaking. "It means I loved her more than she ever loved me, and I fucking hate it!"