All I Ever Wanted

Her

This was it. Forcing himself to breathe he, for the third or fourth time, he wasn't sure, raised his hand to knock. For the third or fourth time he held it in position, fist shaking, before letting it fall back down to his side. Frustrated at his own cowardice, he couldn't bring himself to move one way or the other. He couldn't leave. Would never forgive himself. But once he knocked...What if she hated him? What if they had nothing in common? Oh, he could be so awkward around people. Usually he didn't care, but this was different. His daughter. The thought so absurd he still expected to wake up any time. Oh lord, what if she was just as awkward as him? Would that be better or worse? Two awkward people with nothing but awkwardness between them. And Stevie of course. Stevie...Speaking of awkward...this would be the first time he'd really have to be with her since he found out. Was she already there? Oh, she'd love Stevie. Never awkward. Somehow always able to find something to talk about. Shaking his head, he looked down on his hand with determination.

"Come on Buckingham" he whispered aloud. Pushing through every internal protest, his fist finally connected with the door.

Minutes passed. Probably just seconds, but it felt like enough time for him to run away a good dozen times. Finally, the door opened.

There she was. The one thing that had always been missing. And she had been there all along. And Stevie had known. Known, and kept it from him. Blue eyes. Blonde hair, probably from the salon like her mothers. Wavy and thick. Pouty lips, high cheekbones. Slender. Taller than her mother, yet not quite reaching Lindsey. A perfect blend. Just perfect.

"Hi" her voice cautious, yet enough to force Lindsey out of his musings, tearing his gaze away.

"I'm sorry, didn't mean to stare, you just...sorry" Knowing he hadn't exactly made a great first impression, he stopped whatever he was about to say next, pausing uncomfortably, before finally filling the silence.

"Hi." After a brief pause, he continued with "I'm Lindsey." Not sure if it would be appropriate to follow with 'your father'.

"I know" she interrupted. "I mean, I know who you are. It's nice to meet you"

Sounding oddly formal, he had to admit he had no idea how else one could approach such a thing.

"I'm Vanessa" she suddenly interjected, seeming to suddenly realize that while she very well knew his name, he had no idea of hers.

"Well Vanessa. It's really nice to meet you too."

She broke out in a big smile, and he realized she was just as nervous as him. Somehow, that felt comforting. She indicated for him to enter, and he followed her into the room. Once he got his bearings, he discreetly looked around. No Stevie he noted with relief.

After they sat down on separate ends of a couch, they once more found themselves surrounded by silence. Both staring at the other, neither sure of how to start. "This is weird" she eventually mumbled, and he couldn't help but join her in a nervous laugh. "No kidding" he added, loving how she now smiled when looking at him. Tension lifted, they somehow got to talking. He asked her about her life, needing to know she'd had a good one. A loving family. She'd had. An only child though. No siblings. And so he told her of her new ones. She already knew, she admitted. Having 'stalked' them on social media when she learned who her father was, as she herself put it. Stared at the pictures, wondering what they were really like. If she'd fit in. She looked away, seemingly ashamed of the admission. He told her how Stella had called him every day and asked if she could meet her big sister. How Leelee was so curious she could barely contain it on the phone. How even Will, while slightly miffed he was no longer the oldest, still had expressed more interest in her than in anything since he became a teenager. Showing her a picture of the three together, he told her he wanted her to meet them. If she wanted of course. He really hadn't planned to bring it up so soon. Wanted to take it slow. Not scare her. But she enthusiastically agreed. Telling him she wanted nothing more.

She was a student. Biology she told him, and they both laughed at how that surely didn't come from her genes. Did she sing or play any instruments? No, and was he disappointed in that? No, he told her honestly. It had been a long time since he accepted his status as the sole freak in the family when it came to his passion for music.

Finally, he forced himself to ask.

"And...uh...I was kind of expecting to see Stevie, I mean, your birth mother, here. Have you met her already?"

Her face suddenly serious, he could tell she was avoiding his eyes.

"Actually no. I...um...I have decided not to meet her"

Disbelieving, he sat with his mouth open, trying to figure it out.

"But...you met me. Came to Europe, just to meet me? But not her? Why?"

Meeting his eyes again, she seemed to struggle finding the right words: "Once I learned I was adopted, which, by the way, there's a shock for you..." she gave a harsh laugh at that before carrying on "I guess I just kind of pictured all these reasons why I was given up, you know? A mom who had no choice. Who would have given anything to keep me, but couldn't. On the run from the mafia or whatever. Or some Oliver Twist type thing. Childish, I know." Tears started appearing, but she quickly wiped them away. "Once I learned you two were my parents...That just didn't...I couldn't understand why you wouldn't keep me... Finally, a few weeks ago, I decided to just let all that go. Meet you. Then, I saw you two fighting, and I just...I didn't want to meet her anymore. I don't know. She gave me up, but you didn't. You didn't even know. I just felt you and me, kept in the dark, no choice. We're sort of in the same boat I guess."

She looked at him intently, her need for approval apparent. He exhaled sharply, hating what he was about to say: "Look, she made the right choice. Don't get me wrong, I wish that wasn't the case. I wish...I wish so much" trailing off as he noticed her jaw clenching. He scooted towards her, gently taking her hand in his, trying to reassure her while continuing: "I know how it must look. How two rich rockers with all the help in the world...truth is, at that time? I was drunk more often than not...and she? She was just not there, in any way. We probably couldn't have made one decent parent between us. I know she would have never given you up had she believed for a second she could give you a good home" She didn't pull away as he feared, but instead looked at him, trying to process what was just said.

"So you're not mad at her anymore?"

"What?"

"What you just said, how you understand. You're no longer angry at her?"

"Oh, yes I am. Can't even look at her to be honest." He smiled apologetically and gently squeezed her hand "But that doesn't mean you need to be. You should give her a chance. You'll love her." He paused before continuing, a sad tinge in his voice "Everyone does."

"I thought you were done with her?"

"I am. But again, that doesn't mean you should be. Whatever's happening with me and Stevie is between me and Stevie."

"Are you two in love?"

"I thought so." Catching himself. No need to spill everything to this poor girl he just met. "I mean. It's complicated"

"Complicated huh?"

"Somehow, I think you would have stumbled into something simpler if your mother had been on the run from the mafia."

"I'm starting to get that" her sad smile mirroring his perfectly.

Stevie wandered around her room, feeling restless. It was too early to go to sleep, but there was nothing else she wanted to do. She stared at her journal, dismissed the idea, and instead resumed her pacing. A knock at the door startled her. She froze. Who on earth could it be. Karen having taken the night off, Stevie was all alone and not used to dealing with such things.

Cautiously opening the door, she inhaled with a gasp when she came face to face with a pair of eyes she would know anywhere. They just weren't attached to their usual face. Looking to the figure to the right right, a second pair, familiar face this time, looked back at her.

"Hi Stevie. This is...this is someone who wants to meet you. This is Vanessa"