Thanks To You || Alex Gaskarth

17. The Party Scene

I grabbed a beer from one of the coolers and chugged it down, needing something to take off this edge. It was the eighth day of Warped Tour and there was a party. Everyone around me was laughing and talking and having fun. But I was lost in my head. Ever since I'd left South Carolina, it was like I was walking around in a thick fog.

I had to put on this persona on stage; smile, laugh, tell dick joke, repeat. When that was over, I sat at our signing and acted like I was okay. And sometimes I was. There were always fans who told me that our music made their life, or even just their day, marginally better. That was enough to put a genuine smile on my face, but it didn't stop the aching inside of me.

I'd picked up the habit of nervously twirling my iPhone between my fingers when I was bored or anxious. I wanted to call Hayden. I wanted to let her know that I was hurting and that I wanted her back. I wanted her to be my best friend, or my girlfriend, anything. It didn't matter. I needed her. I was still trying to decipher her words. She'd called me selfish and told me I needed to grow up. I let her words roll through my mind on repeat, trying to understand what I needed to do. My mind raced and I felt like I was constantly standing on the edge of a panic attack. There was always this tightness in my chest, my hands shook involuntarily at times, and I felt like my lungs could never get enough air. So I waited, but I could never go over the edge. I was just stuck feeling like shit, I couldn't step back from the ledge and I couldn't go over it.

I tossed my now-empty beer bottle into the trash and picked up another one, uncapping it quickly.

"Dude, slow down," Rian advised, looking at me warily.

"Don't be such a buzzkill. Alex is just having some fun. You should too." Jack shrugged as he grabbed a beer for himself.

Rian shook his head. "I don't think Cass would appreciate the kind of fun you two are planning on having."

"Lay off, man," I frowned.

"Listen, I never met Hayden. But from the songs you wrote about her and the way you're acting. I really think you should stop wallowing and go fix things with her."

"Fuck you. You don't know anything about what went down with Hayden."

I walked off before he could reply. Rian thought this was fucking easy. Ifit was as simple as just apologizing, wouldn't I have done that? Well, probably not, but it was still something more. I didn't know how to make things right with her and I needed a way to drown out the shrieking thoughts in my head. It was all too much. If this was him and Cass, he'd be losing it just as much as I was.

The comparison made me pause for a moment. Did I love Hayden the way Rian loved Cass? Probably not, but there was something there and it was the first time I could even admit it. I loved Hayden. Fuck.

The realization only made everything worse. I didn't want to love her. I wanted to go back to how things were before Jess or Hayden ever entered the picture. I wanted to get stupid drunk and have fun and not care. I wanted Jack's complete lack of responsibility. 

"Hey, Alex, you wanna do some shots?" Mike, from Pierce the Veil, called. I saw the rest of the band and a few guys from Tonight Alive and Of Mice & Men. 

I turned and nodded eagerly, walking towards the group and taking the proffered tequila shot.

One shot. Two shots. Three shots. Wait, one more. Another beer. "Hey, Alex, want some Captain?" Of fucking course. Gulp it down, pretend it doesn't burn. I liked the pain of it. 

A groupie named Savannah sunk her claws into me, smiling and batting her long eyelashes. She was a distraction that I could embrace. Her lips tasted like vodka and she grabbed the bottle she'd been drinking from and passed it to me. It was harsh and cheap, but I drank it down.