under the stars ◇ atl | a.g ✓

All My Fault

It had been almost a week since the accident with Evan and I still hadn’t told Alex. I’d thought about every time I saw him but never had the guts to. I became more and more distant, not just from Alex from everyone; I just stayed in my bunk all day with the curtain closed and my earbuds in, ignoring everyone. The terrible feeling inside of me hadn’t gone away, I felt worthless. I know what I did bad wasn’t that bad, and I stopped before anything further happened but I still felt like shit.

Today I actually made an effort to get up and get dressed and I pulled on Alex’s hoodie, but instead of sitting back in my bunk I went and sat in the back lounge, closing the door behind me. Half an hour I heard a muffled conversation from behind the door,

“Yo where’s Em?” Someone asked in a worried tone,

“Back lounge I think.” A female voice answered, well the conversation was between Cass and someone,

“Do you know what’s up with her lately? She seems, distant.” I still couldn’t work out the voice, they sounded tired and their voice was raspy.

“Um…” Cass began, “No sorry.” I was kind of happy Cass wasn’t telling anyone, but it left me to tell everyone,

“Oh okay, thanks.” The voice muttered back in reply, then it went silent.

I curled up into a ball and began to cry, it was obvious I wasn’t the happiest person at the moment. I heard the door slide open; I quickly sat up and wiped the tears away with my jumper, I looked up to see Alex in the doorway, he looked worried,

“Emily…” He began in a quiet voice, I looked down at the floor, “Can we talk?” I nodded. He walked in closing and locking the door behind him, here we go.

“Are you okay?” He asked in the same quiet voice, I screwed up my eyebrows and closed my eyes, I didn’t know what to say, “You haven’t come out your bunk for almost a week now… Did I do something wrong?” he placed his hand on my knee,

“No…” I said quietly, still not looking at him,

“Then what?” He gently titled my head up to look at him, “Emily, I’m worried about you, talk to me…” I took a deep breath; I had to tell him,

“I did something bad, I’m a terrible person and you’re going to hate me…”

“Emily, I could never ever hate you, I love you.”

“I’m not sure you will after I tell you…” There were two possible ways he could react to what I was about to tell him, he could comfort me and tell me everything is going to be alright, or he could get pissed at me and break up with me here and now because I made a stupid mistake.

“Just tell me.” He said sternly, I could feel tears building up in my eyes,

“Evan kissed me…”

“HE WHAT!” He yelled,

“I-I tried to stop him before he could but-“

“Of course you did!” He snapped cutting me off, I knew what was coming up next, he would break up with me,

“I swear I did.” I yelled back at him, my voice cracking with sadness, “Do you not believe me?”

“I don’t know…” He lowered his voice, “I just need to think about this…” He stood up and walked out the lounge. Why was I so stupid, I let the tears fall.

“Emily?” I heard someone ask from the doorway, I looked up to see Jack.

“You o-“ he began to ask but I cut him off and barged pass him,