Dream of Me

November 19

We talked for several hours, just catching up, laughing and teasing each other. I didn't realize how late it was and, since it was Thursday and I had no class on Fridays, my father offered my old room to crash in. Something about re-inhabiting that room, with old science projects hanging as mobiles from the ceiling, posters of spaceships and satellites on the walls, reminders of my nerdy adolescence everywhere, transported me back to those years. I slipped back into my 10-year-old body for a few moments as I crossed the threshold into the past. I remembered the constant dreams I had experienced of my mother during that time. I immediately missed her as if a weight fell from the ceiling and threatened to crush me. I hadn't dreamed of her for months. Even when I did, it was only one night and then nothing for weeks, months.

I got into the bed that was now almost too short for me and reminisced about the old days, the dream days, the life before dreaming reality. I gradually felt my body slip into comatose, slow and steady...

"Hi, baby. It's been a while." I stared at her, this vision of beauty and love and warmth that I hadn't seen for an eternity. She radiated, angelic, eager to engage in new conversation, to see how her boy had been doing. How her family was managing, even after all these years, without her. I responded non-verbally, because the joy and relief of finally seeing her again overpowered any language that could've been utilized. I rushed to envelope her in my arms, not wanting to let the tears seep out, but unable to stop them. She was a miniature in my gigantic arms now, switching roles from ten years ago.

"I missed you. So much," I whimpered, feeling like a pathetic little thing but not allowing it to affect my affections towards her.

"And I missed my August day," she muttered from within my embrace.

Chapter 12y

I stood by the hospital bed in utter disbelief. To lose one parent is unbearable. To be on the verge of losing two? Inexpressible. The cancer had gone unnoticed for months, and now it was threatening to be too late. Addison was sleeping on the chair across from me in a position that I feared would leave her paralyzed when she woke up, but I didn't disturb her because she hadn't slept for more than a few hours ever since he was admitted. My father was awake, slightly, or at least I assumed so. He had trouble sleeping lately because of the pain. He was pale, his face already deteriorating from the sarcoma that was gradually sucking the life out of him. He opened his eyes to look at me, appearing surprised that I was still there.

"August," he whispered, "you need to go home and get some rest. Get some food. Take Addison with you. You both are getting behind with your schoolwork. It's going to be hard to catch up..." his voice ran out for a moment.

"We're going to stay here as long as you're here, dad." I ended in a note that did not open the conversation for disagreement. He smiled, recognizing the stubborn resolve on my face that he had known so well watching me grow up. He nodded an unimpressed but understanding approval as a nurse stepped in to check up on him.

"Young-su," she struggled over the name on the clipboard, obviously embarrassed at her inability to immediately grasp the name.

"It's okay," he tried to laugh, "just call me Richard."

"Okay, Richard," she agreed sheepishly, "how are you feeling tonight? Any improvements?" I knew that he wouldn't answer truthfully, so I had taken it upon myself to inform the doctors and nurses of his exact condition, no sugar coating or brushing off as better than it truly was.

"He's worse today. He's in constant pain and he can't sleep well." The nurse scribbled a few things down and adjusted some things and I don't even know what else, I wasn't concentrating on her. I was lost in my thoughts, staring at the ground, unable to put anything into words or even make any kind of sense of what I was feeling. I felt lost to the point that I wasn't sure how I would ever find myself happy or alive again. It seemed like a cruel joke; like the universe was exercising his right to fuck with my life just for fun.

"August, I know you're worried, but I need you to take care of yourself. You, and your sister, need to get more sleep. Take her home, please. Get a good night's rest and come back in the morning." He was serious, and mirrored my own stubbornness to stay.

"I know. But I don't want to leave now. What if something..." I couldn't help it. My eyes flooded, my sinuses stung at the sudden oncoming release, I buried my face in the coarse hospital bed material, not wanting my father to see my weakness. He stretched a frail hand to rest it on my shaking back, as tears filled his own eyes. I don't know how I saw his face while mine was buried in the blanket, but I did. I also saw Addison's sleeping frame. "Don't make me leave. I can't do it," I sobbed into the fabric. He broke, seeing that forcing me to go would be even worse for my health, and consented to my staying another night. Another nurse came in, asked some questions, looked at some things, and left.

"Make sure you keep a strong relationship with, Addison, okay? You're going to be the father figure soon. She needs someone there, but she also needs to keep a strong connection with her auntie. She's the only mother she has now, and we don't know much about what teenage girls go through. You're old enough now to become her guardian. Once you graduate, you can find a job in the city and both of you can stay in the house. Make sure you give a good scare to the boys that come to take her out. Make sure they know you're serious. And, for God's sake, August, open your heart up again. You can't live inside a barricade forever. I know you thought Irene was the one, but you need to move on. If you're happy being alone, that's fine. But you're not happy. And you need to get to a state of contentment with yourself before you can decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life alone or with someone else. It's up to you, but you have to open yourself up again to find out. I know school has taken a lot out of you, but that doesn't have to be the norm from now on. Come back. Open your heart up to the world. Stop focusing on the evil and start looking for the good. It's out there. It's in you—"

Chapter 13

I woke up crying. The tears swamping my cheeks burned. It was still dark out, but I couldn't fall back asleep. Terror filled my veins, an urgency that I couldn't banish from my thoughts. It was just a dream, I tried to convince myself, but I already knew that wasn't true. My dreams were never "just dreams." It was early morning, but I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen. No one was there, of course.