Letters I've Written, Never Meaning To Send

Monday

John,

Today was the day you ignored me.

I had woken up this morning, expecting there to be a good morning text or a missed call under your name. However, when I turned on my phone, my messages and call log was blank. There were no voice mails or texts, no messages on social media or any pictures from you.

Thinking that was strange, I decided to send you a text before I got ready for school. I checked the phone every five minutes as I got ready, waiting for a reply that never came. I quickly became worried. What if something had happened to you last night? What if I was the last person to see you alive? I don't think I could have handled that honestly. You're the best part of me, you always have been.

Shoving my worry aside, I left for school. I had hoped I would see you waiting by my locker like every other morning, but the space beside it was blank. I searched my locker, thinking that maybe you had slipped a note through the slits, explaining why you weren't there. After a few moments, I realized there was no note.

No messages, no note, no you.

The bell had rung, signaling it was time to go to homeroom. I had hoped you were there, waiting for me at our usual table. When I walked in, I quickly found that you were there, but you were sitting next to a small blonde girl named Emily. You quickly looked away when you noticed I had came in, replying to whatever Emily had said.

Hurt, I hurried to the only empty seat left in the room. It was two rows back from you. I stared at you, wondering what it was that I had done to upset you. You had never acted this way towards me before. What had changed from last night? As I stared at you, I saw you take your phone from your pocket and place it on the table. Your phone was with you after all. Why hadn't you replied?

I had pulled out my own phone then, sending you a quick text that asked what I had done. I watched as the phone lit up and you glanced over. You picked it up, read my message, then put your phone back in your pocket. Why were you ignoring me? What had I done.

The next few periods passed with no sign of you until lunch. I had walked to our usual table, sitting down to wait for you. I was determined to clear the situation, you had to have a reasonable explanation for not talking to me. Right? As I worked on my Biology homework, I looked up to see you walking into the cafeteria with Emily. You had a smirk on your lips and her head was thrown back as she laughed at something I assumed you had said. Why were you with her? Before today I had never seen you so much as glance at her.

I watched, waiting for you to part from her and head over to me. That never happened. You stood next to her as she grabbed a sandwich from the lunch line and then walked over to sit with her in a booth to the side. The worst part? You hadn't sat across from her as I had hoped you would, you slid in right next to her. I could see your knees bump together from under the table. I could see her twirl her hair as she talked to you, laughing here and there. It was clear she liked you, why were you leading her on?

You were leading her on. Right?

Throughout all of lunch, you never once glanced over to me. You never once replied to the texts I had been sending you. What the hell had changed from when you told me you loved me last night? I was hurt, beyond what you would ever know.

The rest of the school day passed with you ignoring me and dodging my glances in the hallways and the few classes we shared in the afternoon. I had hoped to catch you at your locker after the final bell, but Emily had beat me there. I watched as she leaned against your locker, twirling a strand of hair as she stared into your ocean blue eyes. Those ocean blue eyes I had stared into a countless number of times. I watched as you bumped shoulders with her jokingly as you grabbed some books from your locker, shoving them into the bag I had bought you for your birthday. You had loved that bag as soon as you seen it, it was covered in the characters from your favorite anime.

I wasn't one to enjoy anime, but for you I never minded.

I turned away as Emily placed her hand on your shoulder. I couldn't believe that you were letting her touch you. What had gotten into you? I had hurried home from school, quickly taking the stairs up to my room two at a time so I could avoid my parents. I didn't want to have to answer them when they asked where you were. How could I answer a question I didn't know the answer to?

I had sent you a few more texts and even called you twice over the course of the night. My texts went unanswered and my calls were sent straight to voicemail. I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. In all the years I had known you, in the year and a half we had been together, you had never once done something like this to me. I didn't like how it felt to be ignored by the one person I loved most in the world.

After I had finished my book report I had had to do for English class, I had went straight to bed. It was only nine, but without you to talk to, I had no reason to stay awake.

I miss you, John. You're my home and today I've felt nothing but lost.

-Jane