Letters I've Written, Never Meaning To Send

Friday

John,

Today was the day you officially broke my heart.

I had woken up with a hangover, the headache pounding your name out of my mind. Looking over, I had seen the blinking green light on my phone. According to the text, there was a party tonight. It was just down the street from me, at some junior girl's house.

I decided I would go to try to get you off my mind, to try to have a good time. I hadn't been able to smile since you ended things, but hopefully tonight would change that. Hopefully tonight I would be able to put you out of my mind without getting black out drunk and forgetting my own name.

It was eight in the evening when I had woken up, meaning I only had two hours until the party. I had slept the whole day away, which made sense since I hadn't fallen asleep until four this morning. Two hours. Two hours was just enough time to get ready.

I had done my usual routine, the one you had seen me do hundreds of times over the years. Shower. Navy blue party dress. Makeup. Hair. I had gone for the smoky eye look and curled my hair. I was trying to look nice for the first time in months. While we were together, I hadn't had anyone to impress so I hadn't tried to hard to look nice. I knew you would accept me, you'd seen me at the worst of times growing up.

When I was satisfied with how I looked, I had grabbed my keys and left. I had decided to walk seeing as the party was just down the street. It was slightly chilly and the only sound was the clacking of my heels against the pavement, but that was alright. I would soon be at the house, warm and sitting on a couch somewhere. I wasn't much of a dancer, preferring to observe the hilarious drunks.

There were so many different types of drunks. There were the emotional drunks. The ones who broke down crying about their problems or whenever someone complimented them. There were the violent drunks. The ones who got mad about the smallest things and started fights or punched holes in the walls. There were the dancing drunks. The ones who spent hours dancing, their feet never seeming to hurt. There were the blackout drunks. The ones who drank to forget whatever was bothering them and never remembered a thing the next day. I was personally a blackout drunk. You were a dancing drunk. You had always dragged me into the middle of a crowd to dance, not listening to any of my protests.

That was when we were together, tonight I was going in alone. I wouldn't let that ruin my good time. Hopefully there would be someone I knew tonight.

I had walked into the party, not really knowing what to do. Should I go get a beer from the kitchen? Should I head over to the dance floor? Should I find someone to talk to? Luckily, I hadn't had much time to think before Austin Johnson came over to me. He had handed me a beer and guided me over to a few seats in the corner of the living room.

From here, there was a straight shot to the kitchen in case I wanted another beer. There was a perfect view of the 'dance floor' so we could laugh about the dancing drunks. We were right next to the stairs in case I needed to find a bathroom. It was the perfect location.

Austin and I chatted about the English class we shared and the soccer team. I know, he's one of your soccer mates. He must have heard what happened between us though because he never once mentioned your name. I wish I could thank him for that.

About half an hour later, I realized I needed to use the bathroom after I had drank two beers. I bid Austin farewell and walked up the stairs, hoping that there would be a bathroom on the upper level so I wouldn't have to walk through all of the drunks downstairs. Eventually I came to a bedroom with a personal bathroom. Not thinking much of it, I slipped inside.

Just as I was finishing up and washing my hands, I heard someone enter the bedroom. Not just one person, but two. There was a bit of moaning and I heard something bang against the wall. When I heard a belt buckle being undone, I knew I had to get out of there.

I had opened the door, hoping to just throw a quick apology and slip out. However, the words caught in my throat when I saw who it was. It was you, John. You were with Emily. Had you left me so you could be with her?

Your hands were in her hair. She was on her knees, unbuttoning your pants. She was shirtless, her shirt thrown on the floor off to the side. At my entrance, you both looked up.

Not giving you a chance to say anything, I raced out of the room and down the stairs. Austin grabbed my arm as he saw me head for the door. He wiped a tear from my face and offered to walk me home. I said yes.

The walk was less lonely with Austin and a little less cold. He had offered me his jacket and draped it across my shoulders. He had wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close, heat emanating from his body.

The walk also seemed to pass quicker. Maybe it was because we were walking quickly or maybe it was because I had someone with me. Whatever the reason, I soon found myself standing on my porch facing Austin.

I handed him his jacket back and he smiled. He wrapped me in a hug, one which I returned. As he pulled back however, he bent down and kissed me. If this would have been before the party, I would have pushed him away. Considering what I had just seen though, I kissed him back. He pulled away smiling before walking away. Not a word had passed between us since the party, but he had been comforting.

Sorry, John. Looks like we weren't each other's last kiss.

-Jane