Letters I've Written, Never Meaning To Send

Tuesday

John,

Today was the day you broke up with me.

I had woken up to see the green light on my phone blinking, I knew I had a text from you. There was no one who would text me so early in the morning, no one but you. I had been excited as I reached for my phone, but my breath caught in my chest as I read what you had sent. This couldn't be happening, not after everything we had gone through.

Suddenly, yesterday made sense. You had ignored me, probably trying to think of what to say. You had spent a day wondering how to break things off with me. How wonderful... I'm glad you had found the right words, John. These words will now resonate in my soul.

Jane, I'm sorry but I need to end things. We're not right for each other, we were never meant to be more than friends. I don't love you the way I thought I did I'm sorry.

Sorry. You said sorry as if that would fix everything, as if it would make it hurt less. Sorry doesn't fix a broken heart, John. Sorry doesn't stop the tears from falling. Sorry doesn't make it any easier to breathe. Sorry doesn't make the heart pound any softer.

When I had read that message, it felt as if the world had stopped. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't blink. The only thing that let me know I was still alive was the pounding of the blood in my ears. My heart beat so hard and fast it felt as though it were breaking my ribs. My lungs burned with the breaths I couldn't seem to take. My eyes watered, causing the message to blur before my eyes. It was as if they were trying to wash away the image from my mind. It didn't work.

After putting my phone back on the stand, I had rolled back over in bed. I wrapped the blanket tighter around my body, hugging the bear you had gotten me for my birthday tight to my chest. The bear still smelled like you, it still smelled like home. I had closed my eyes, inhaling the scent of mint and pine. Somewhere between sniffs I had fallen asleep again.

Mum woke me around noon. She had sat on the edge of my bed, asking what was wrong. She hugged me to her, combing her fingers through my hair as I told her about what you had done. I started from Sunday all the way until today. She held me even after I was done talking, waiting until the sobs stopped shaking my body before standing up to leave.

She came back a few minutes later, movies and a tub of Ben & Jerry's in her hands. She spent the day with me, curled up under the blankets as we watched my favorite movies. The Breakfast Club, Grease, The Notebook, and even the Corpse Bride. The day passed quickly, my mother never once leaving my side.

I must have fallen asleep at some point during when the vows were being recited in the Corpse Bride because I woke up alone. My mother had left, throwing the blanket she had been using over me. Glancing over, I saw that it was midnight.

Midnight. The time I'm writing this to you. I don't see why I'm writing all of these letters, I just started on Sunday and I feel the need to keep writing them. I've never written a letter before, but these feel as if there's a purpose behind them. I don't see how when I don't intend to send them to you. I don't want you to find these ever. I don't want you to see how you've affected me. I don't want you to read the words I wrote in my heartbroken state.

I don't want you to see me as weak, John. All I want from you is love, not pity. I don't believe that you don't love me anymore, I can't believe that you meant the words you had texted me. They don't seem like something you would ever say. It feels almost like a dream, more of a nightmare really, but I know that if I look at my phone the message will still be there.

I can't do that however, look at my phone that is. I don't want to see the lock screen, a picture of us out in the snow. Your mum had taken it, I was in the middle of laughing as you threw snow up into the air. I don't want to see that message, the one I hadn't had the energy to swipe away. If I turned my phone on, it would be the first thing I would see. I wasn't ready to cry again, not after I had spent all day doing exactly that.

You had promised me that you would never make me cry, but look where we are John. Before this week, you had never broken a promise to me. Maybe love does change everything.

-Jane