Letters I've Written, Never Meaning To Send

Saturday

John,

Today was my last day of life.

After seeing you with Emily last night, I had made my decision. I couldn't live in a world with you, John. I couldn't live without the one person you had ever shown me love. I couldn't live without my wonder wall. I couldn't live without the boy I had sworn was my soulmate. Last night, you proved I meant nothing to you. You proved that I was nothing but a chapter when you had been my whole book.

For as long as I can remember, you've been a part of my life. In preschool, our parents had set up play dates. We would usually go to the park or play in your yard. Sometimes your parents would come over for dinner and we would play in my room. I had convinced you to let me dress you up once, you were the prettiest princess I had ever seen. Our moms had taken pictures of us, pictures that I still have hanging on the walls of my room.

In elementary school, we had every class together. We would always sit next to each other during carpet time and we would play on the playground. You would push me on the swings since I couldn't touch the ground. You taught me how to play basketball even though I wasn't very good. To this day I can't make a free-throw to save my life. When it became fall and I would get cold, you would always give me your jacket. You had always said you didn't need it, that boys are naturally warm. Over the years I would come to find this to be true.

In middle school, your friends had made fun of you for being best friends with me. They had teased you, saying you must be gay if your best friend was a girl. You always took the teasing good naturedly, knowing that they just didn't understand what we meant to each other. In the seventh grade, one of your 'friends' had tried to kiss me. When I told you, you walked right up to them the next day at school. Without a word, you punched him. After that, no boy ever tried to kiss me again.

In freshman year, you got your first girlfriend. The two of you went on dates and I was happy for you. One day, I had come over to your house to see if I had left my favorite jacket in your room. Hannah had been there, the two of you had been studying in the living room. When you went upstairs to look for my jacket, Hannah had cornered me and threatened me. She didn't want me around you, she was scared I was going to try to take you from her. When I had told you the next day, you had ended things with her. You told me you hadn't liked her much anyway and that I was much more important.

Sophomore year, I had realized I had feelings for you. You weren't just my best friend, you were my love interest. Towards the end of the year, I had gotten drunk at a party you had dragged me to. When you had taken me home, I had drunkenly told you I liked you. You laughed, not thinking much about what I had said. When you took me upstairs into my room and tucked me in, I had pulled you down onto the bed with me and kissed you. Surprisingly, you had kissed me back. The next day, you had asked me out. A week later, we told our parents and they laughed. Apparently they had been betting on how long it would take for us to end up together.

Now, it's the beginning of our senior year. We had been together for a year and a half until Tuesday. I'll never know why you did the things you did this past week, but I probably don't want to know anyways. All that matters is that you did them. All that matters is that you broke my heart.

My parents will probably find these letters later when they go through my room after they get the call, the call that tells them of my death. Whether or not they give you these letters is up to them. I don't mind if they do, although I had written these letters without intending to send them. Who knows, they might just throw them in the trash.

I wish I could say that I hope they don't blame you for this, I wish I could say that this wasn't your fault. I would be lying if I said those things though. This is your fault and I do hope they blame you. They had trusted you to respect their little girl, they had trusted you not to break her heart. You broke their trust, you incidentally caused me to off myself. I hope you regret the events of the past week, I hope you realize just what you've done. Every action had a consequence, this was yours.

I'll always love you, John. You'll always be my wonder wall. I hope you find peace with what you've done. I also hope you scream when you realize that the splatters on this page is blood mixed with my tears.

-Jane Doe