Safe

Remembering

We spent the next few weeks at Amelia's house. Amelia's says she wants to adopt us. We were only supposed to stay at her house for a few days, but it ended up being longer. The social worker said this was good place for us to be. Better than she could find otherwise. Amelia likes our company. I like her a lot. Her fun spontaneous nature is growing on me. 

We have been going to therapy. I have to talk to the nice therapist lady about stuff. She never makes me say anything, but somehow talking to her makes me feel better. She asks me about myself, Amelia, my sister, and him. I don't mind talking about anything of these things , but him. It hurts. It hurts to feel, to think, to remember. Somehow I know I have to. I know it is good for me to tell her. I have to go to therapy today. Her name is Danica Holdale. She's my therapist. She is really kind and she seems like she genuinely cares about me and my life. At first we did not talk at all about him, but each session it is a little more and little more about everything and hurts it. But I can't. I can't stop. I just can't.

I arrive at therapy. I sit in the waiting until my name is called. 

"Mariana. Hello, How are you," ask the receptionists.

"I am good." I smile up at her. Hoping that I don't have to remember the hurt and the pain today. Though, I know I will and I know I need to.

"That's wonderful. I suppose you know where we are headed."

"Yeah."

She opens the door to a room, it has toys and games is and a table with two chairs. Danica is waiting for me there.

"Hello Mariana, how are you today?"

"I am good."

"That's wonderful."

"How was your week?"

"Pretty good."

"Anything interesting happen?"

"Well Amelia took us bowling. It was my first time. Bowling balls are so heavy," I pause feeling silly for stating the obvious, "It was fun. I used the bumpers and I scored 100. Have you ever been bowling?"

"Yes, I have. It is quite enjoyable. I am glad you had fun."

"Me too."

"Did you have any flashbacks this week?"

"Yes." I turn and glance in the corner.

"About what? You don't have to say if you don't want to."

"No... No.. I can. I had a flashback about the time he threw hot water on me."

"Do you want to talk more about it?"

"Yeah," I stutter a tear trickling down my face,"Well, he wanted tea because he had a headache from the hangover. So I was boiling the water it took longer then he wanted. He came into the kitchen. He was yelling and cussing at me. He started to slap me. The he said, "How about I make you into tea." Then he threw the hot water on me. It wasn't fully boiling yet thank God. but I had some burns on my back. It hurt so much. I dashed around him. I sat in the bathroom showering in cold water. As he yelled outside the door threatening to break it down. He didn't. I was so scared that I stayed in there until he left for work. Then I went to take care of Lily."

"That is terrible," she stops, " How do you feel about it?"

"I feel sad that I stayed so long. I was so afraid of him. And I didn't have to be. I didn't have to let him do what he did to me, But I did and I am so stupid."

"No, you aren't. You are only a little girl. It was his fault not yours."

"No, it was my fault for not protecting me."

"There was nothing you could do."

I start crying for the first time since I went to the police. The memories and the tears flood out.

"I am sorry. We can stop now."

"No, it is fine. I need this. I need to cry, to feel, to remember."

"Yes, you do. You are a wise girl."

"I know. I know. Why did it happen? Why didn't he love me? Why did he do it? Why did he hit me? Why did he rape me," I steam.

"I don't know. All I know is that is wasn't your fault and what he did was wrong regardless of the motives."

"I know all that. But I just want to know why? What did I ever do to him?"

"I can't answer that, but maybe you can ask him in court. If you are ready?"

"I will be ready. I can."

"Okay."

"Why do I hate him?"

"Why do you hate him?"

"Because he hurt me when he was supposed to protect me."

"I understand. I understand."

"Can we talk about something else?" I really want to change the subject I am done with hurting and remember. I have done enough of it.

"Okay. Okay. We will."