Finding Me

the aggressor

I haft to say i am truly grateful for the ability of being anonymous on here. Mainly due to the fact that if i do choose to publish the finished book the people will not know i wrote about them ever. But to the ones who know who i am i wonder do you know who i am talking about when i write these story's. And if you do i mist ask you to never mention it to the people i write about.

But of of course even those who do know who i am i don't think that you even know what or who i am talking about. Most of you who do know who i am probably didn't even know of the story's i am writing about now.

You probably never even knew of my experiences. And i just wanna tell you all who read this book, thank you. Thank you for not bringing this up in person. And if you were to bring up the events of this book i would deny them because it is different to confront my problems on here then confront the people who hurt me.

This is my outlet. OK. So back to the real subject of this chapter. There was another event in the eighth grade that i did not write about in my previous chapter.

I had "rekindled" my relationship with my "ex" in the eighth grade. I can not stress the point that we were just children we had no idea what the hell we were doing. He was "aggressive" in a sort of way during the relationship that year. For example he had pulled me by my stomach while i was on my period, and he attempted to pull me by my stomach into his room after i had told him no.

It upset me severely due to the fact that i said no and yet he continued to attempt to get me in his bedroom. I forgave him because he wrapped his arms around my stomach seaming really upset with himself, apologizing multiple times. I thought he would not do it again. I believed that he would never hurt me.

He did do it again. We were alone in my house on my couch. He had already stressed the fact that he did not want me messaging or talking to my gay friend on Facebook because and i quite we only had a few hours together. I mean i understand that now but at the time it was really controlling.

Then he tried to force me to lay down with him on the couch. I said no that i didn't feel comfortable with it. He then proceeded to grab me by my waist pulling on me while i am clinging to the arm of the couch. I didn't want to lay down with him. This had caused fear to strike in my heart. It hurt when he pulled on me the way he would it hurt my stomach.

I was scared. He scared me. He eventually let me go again wrapping his arms around my waist snuggling into my side apologizing saying he was just trying out our boundaries. I put it off i accepted his apology and blamed it on my period. When in my mind i was blaming myself because i wasn't experienced. I thought that was how guys were supposed to act and i was just overreacting.

The next day i spent almost an hour talking to a close friend of mine about it,and she pointed out that what was happening wasn't my fault. It was his because he was hurting me. She told me if i was scared of him then i needed to make him leave me.

So i did. Or at least i thought i did. I pushed him away in any way i could i even told him i was going to the movies with some friends and that a guy who used to like me would be there. I asked him if he would mind that. He told me no as long as nothing happened between me and the guy. And i told him why would you care its not like we were together.

And i now feel like i was kinda punishing him for the years of pain he put me through to get to the point that we were at. But i wasn't trying to but he proubably saw it like i was. He left that day and never came back.

Why am i bringing this up now you might ask. Well today i began to open up to him about it. He apologized for how he went about things with us. And i realized i don't hate him. I told him i didn't hate him for what he did. Did it scar me? Yes. Douse the way he treated me still effect me in my life today? Sometimes it douse.

Like if a guy trys to reach for me i get scared because i think he's gonna hurt me like he did all those years ago. I have trouble bounding because of what i went through with him. It still to this day effects my relationships.

But i feel like me and him are growing to where we can discuss what happened between us and move on from it. I feel like this might be the first step in us recovering from the events from our past. I have recently decided to seak counseling for my problems with physical contact caused by the way he treated me. And i hope that soon i can heal.

But yet at the same time i hope me and him can move on from our past and make successful relationships. Because neither me or him has been able to sustain a successful relationship with anyone throughout the years since the events of our relationship again all those years ago.
I just want to tell you the girls out there IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IF HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON YOU IT IS HIS FAULT. DON'T LET IT CONTINUE TELL SOMEONE ASK FOR HELP DON'T BE SCARED. DON'T LET HIM CONTINUE TO HURT YOU THINKING ITS OKAY. DON'T LET HIM THINK THAT ITS OKAY TO CONTINUE TO CAUSE HARM TO YOU.

I bet you all are wondering "if he hurt you so bad then why do you not hate him?" "If he truly did scare you then why do you still care about his well being under any circumstance?"

I'll answer that for you simply. I am forgiving him for what he did to me all those years ago so i can move on with my life. If he chooses to not move on that's his choose. If you were hurt the same way all i can say to you is forgive you don't ever haft to forget.

Forgiveness is for you not for them. I choose to forgive him so i can move on and get help. I will proubably never forget, but i will forgive him for how he treated me.

I am forgiving him so i can move on and make my life better. I am forgiving him for hurting me that way i can accomplish a successful relationship with someone without being scared for him to touch me. I am forgiving him so i can heal.

I AM FORGIVING HIM FOR ME NOT FOR HIM FOR ME!!!!!