Halley's Comet

09 ♒️ aquarius

Endings were never as final as you expected them to be. It wasn't like closing a door and never wanting to open it again. It was lingering in the hallway thinking I like that room. I miss it. Maybe I should go back. Did I really have a good reason for leaving?

And the truth is that there are no good reasons for leaving. Just reasons that we convinced ourselves were right - it was always about doing what was right. It was thinking, This way I won't hurt her instead of just recognizing that you're happy and telling yourself not to sabotage it.

I didn't regret my decision. I was making a life for myself. I had made the spontaneous decision to take a gap year from college and move into a tiny apartment in New York City with a girl I went to high school with named June. I was working at Barnes and Noble and trying to get promoted to manager. I was happy. I was.

That doesn't mean I didn't miss her.

On August 19th, five days after I left, I texted her saying Happy birthday. You deserve the best of everything. It was the closest thing I could say to I miss you and I hope you're okay, oh God, please be okay. Are we okay?

She never replied. I did my best not to stay up all night waiting.

Right now, June was walking through the door with two Starbucks coffees in her hand, interrupting my pity party.

"Morning," She greeted me, setting the cups on our thrifted kitchen table so she could pull her dark blonde hair up into a bun.

"Hey," I replied, walking over to claim the drink she got for me. "How was your night?"

June had spent the night at her boyfriend Liam's apartment, and while it was strange being alone in an apartment in the city, I wasn't complaining. It was better - and quieter - than Liam spending the night here.

"It was great," She replied, a small smirk playing on her lips. "But I'm really tired."

I elbowed her in the rib, causing her to grin even larger. Sighing, I teasingly muttered, "Straight people."

"Hey," She laughed, pointing a finger at me. "You once thought you were a straight people."

"Ah, yes. The dark days."

June rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Your shift isn't until later, right?"

"It's Monday," I reminded her. "I have the day off."

"Even better. We're going out."

I shook my head instantly. "Did you not hear me? I have the day off - that includes not having to babysit you."

"If I wanted someone to play Daddy, I'd choose Liam."

"You're disgusting."

"Thanks. Now put a bra on, would you? We're going to see the Statue of Liberty."

• • •

I had always preferred wine or beer to harder liquor. It might have had less of an impact, but when I got too drunk I didn't feel drunk. I felt sad, like something inside of me was trying to swallow my heart whole.

I was drinking vodka tonight, though. I told myself it was because I didn't like the type of wine Liam had brought over. June had Liam and a few others over to drink at least once a week. I think it made her feel sophisticated, like she was a real adult and not a broke art major who smoked a little too much pot.

I watched her as she sat on Liam's lap, lazily kissing his neck. The whole thing made me so god damn depressed. I had only had one other girlfriend before Halley. We were sophomores and we played the whole thing off as a joke, like we just had the best friendship in the world and why didn't all best friends act like this? But we weren't friends at all. We held hands underneath blankets and could never look each other in the eyes for too long or taste anything other than tears when we were kissing. We had each other, though. For such a long time she was the only person who knew, but it was better than nobody knowing at all.

I thought about Halley. Did she have anyone at all? She was enigmatic and captivating, but she always had time for me. Was I the only one who saw that in her? Did she not have anyone else?

This terrified me. What if I was the only person who she ever told?

I couldn't fight it. I had to text her.

Skylar: I didn't mean to make it sound so easy. I know what its like to be scared.

The text I got back was the last one I was expecting.

Halley: I'm in New York.

I dropped my phone on the floor, causing June to jump. She shot me a worried look before grabbing my phone to examine the screen for cracks.

Her eyes widened. "Halley's in-"

I shook my head, cutting her off.

Liam set down his beer a little too loudly. "Halley?" He blurted. "That girl you dated, Sky?"

I didn't say anything.

"Halley?" June's annoying friend Lissa echoed, pushing up her glasses. Every time she spoke I rolled my eyes. There were art majors and then there were Art Majors. "You can do better than some small town girl, babes. I mean, come on, she lives in Apple Pine. Who even is she?"

I looked up. "She's everything."

Lissa gave me a strange look and went back to drinking her wine.

• • •

When I was younger I swore I would never ask anyone in my family for boy advice. The idea of it felt so unnatural and awkward. I could barely ask my friends for advice - it was just who I was. I kept things to myself, but sometimes those things got too heavy.

And to be fair, I wasn't breaking Mini Skylar's oath. While I was on the phone with Penny talking about my past relationship, it wasn't boy advice. It was girl advice. Mini Skylar hadn't quite figured that out yet.

I sighed into the speaker of my phone. "She's in New York, you know?"

"I know. I just wanted you to hear it from her."

"She told you?"

"She wanted to go there anyway - you know, part of her whole travelling thing. She asked me if she should find you and apologize. I said she should find you, but she shouldn't apologize."

I sputtered. "What?"

"Sky, baby," Penny said, talking to me like I was a toddler. "She didn't do anything wrong."

"What alternate universe are you living in?"

"She was scared. You understand that, don't you? Her grandmother is the only family she has left. You're being selfish."

"If she's really family then she'll understand," I protested.

"Like your father did? People aren't perfect, baby. Have you completely forgotten what it was like to be in the closet?"

"I remember perfectly," I laughed bitterly. "That's why I broke up with her. I was afraid I would end up back in the closet."

Penny sighed. "Can't you at least be there for her as a friend? She has no one else."

"I don't know. It hurts to even think about being in the same room as her if I can't be with her."

"But you can be with her," Penny protested. "Listen, your father never accepted you. Even now that he's learned from his mistakes, you never got an apology for the way he treated you. I know it's scary to think about Halley being in that position, and I think that's part of the real reason you fled instead of staying by her side and helping her."

"What are you suggesting? Bring my father to Pride and get matching "Gay is Okay" T shirts?"

Penny laughed. "I'm not suggesting anything, certainly not that. Just... don't give up, okay? Not on Halley, and certainly not on yourself. This isn't who you are, and I think you'll realize that in time. Call me when you're ready for me to say 'I told you so.'"

• • •

A/N

okay listen i've been working on this chapter forever and it's not even good but i'm just so done w it. i didn't develop skylar and halley enough as individuals when i started writing this so it was v difficult to write a chapter where they aren't together. this story is a mess tbh but i'm gonna finish it i swear. there's only like three more chapters. also feel free to ask me questions at ask.fm/unsober thank u n goodnight