Our Shared Madness

5: Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet

Ashlee had left on a "girls night out". I was happy for her. She hasn't gotten out often. She needs to be away from me for a while, and I kind of needed a while away from her.

I laid on my couch and found myself thinking about the past. It wasn't unusual. I often times thought about past relationships. There were short and sweet ones, starting when I was about 16 and longer ones that left me heartbroken.

My teenage years were cringe worthy. I had a lot of what you might call swagger. Swagger and arrogance. It was a mask for my insecurities.

The girl before Ashlee left my heart absolutely shattered. It was good for the start of the band. It gave me something to write about. I didn't want to be like Taylor Swift and rant about her exes in every song.

I was a more of a "fuck you" kinda guy when it came to the end of relationships. I lyrically adopted a character who had my kind of childish swagger. My heart would be broken so bad that I would cheat on my girlfriends. I was so arrogant, I would confidently know that they were not cheating on me. No one was worried in our relationships.

I spent late nights up with Mr. Sandman, reminding me of my insomnia. I almost smelled the my girlfriends' perfumes. It's like I had a bottle of their scent and I got high off of it. My head was stuck thinking about true love and who the one might be.

One girl showed me what true love was. Her name was Michelle. Our relationship was a blast, but also very difficult. She could of called me a side effect. She had a husband that was on and off. I wasn't the only one keeping her happy, her husband was.

I often looked at her wedding ring, wondering if he thought of her like I did. I felt guilty about it. I wasn't the one cheating, she was. It made me sick. It was another thing that kept me up late at night.

I took her jaw in my hand and looked closely into her crazy eyes. She was always thinking. I was particularly jealous that day. Her husband was off on another business trip and she cried about missing him. I hated the thought of her with him and she hated the thought of me sneaking off. It drove her crazy. We were an odd couple.

"Does he love you like I do?" I asked her. I was tempted to tease her and draw closer to her lips, but I stayed away. There had to be a boundary.

She cupped my cheek in her hand and frowned. She was a big pretender, so I wasn't sure if she was being genuine or faking it.

"Oh darling, I know what you're going through", she would say on days where I seemed more depressed. It made my blood curl. She had no idea what I was going through. She said it to make me feel better and it did the exact opposite.

Ashlee often said this too. Everyone acted that they understood me. I don't even understand me. How do other people?

Michelle and Ashlee were my peroxide princesses. They would, on occasion, rip me open with their shark-like teeth, opening up wounds of doubt, worries, bad moods, and resentment.

I marked up a calendar. We've been married for seven months now, and I hate to say it's already sounding like the end. But it's not just me now. It's about the baby on the way. I'm fighting this for him and I. I want him or her to have a good, stable mother and father. And who knows, maybe Ashlee is the perfect one and it's just a hard time.

My head slid into the pillow and I crashed into my dreams.