Our Shared Madness

3: She's My Winona

I slammed my drink on the bar counter and nearly tripped as I jumped off the bar stool and out the door. It wasn't that I was drunk. I had only drank half of that glass, I was just naturally clumsy, especially when I'm worried.

The TV had just showed me an image to fuel my anxiety - a break in. Normally, I'd ignore the news report. The words would go in and out of my ears, but not this one. It was in Chicago, in Ashlee and I's area.

I thought about her as I sprinted home. I imagined holding her newly round stomach and her beautiful smile. I tasted her on my lips, even with the lingering taste of alcohol.

I just wanted her to be okay. Sometimes, life cheats you, or rips you off, or surprises you in nasty ways. I was only hoping that it wasn't my family getting hurt.

As I pushed through the door, I saw Ashlee and her parents, laughing under the lamps in the living room. They seemed to be having a good time together. I felt stupid and joined them, receiving confused stares as I caught my breath.

I didn't pay much attention to what they talked about for the rest of the night. Occasionally, I would join in a round of laughter or throw in a comment, but it wasn't an engaging conversation.

That night, I couldn't keep my eyes off of the little bundle cooking in Ashlee's oven. What if something happened? I would lose both of them. That would be too much for my heart to handle.

I needed to step up. No more being the pitied kid with bipolar depression. No more overdosing or heavily drinking. No more staying up all night at my desk writing lyrics. It was time to be a dad.

My biggest fear is for my kid to be like me. I don't want him or her to settle for a mediocrity. My son or daughter should hold their head high and show the world what they've got. Shun the non-believers and live life to its fullest.

I looked to the bedroom door. The question that dawned upon me was not foreign to my mind. Would Fall Out Boy get in the way of me being a father? Would my child be happier if I was always home and not with the band?

I shook my head and even smiled a bit. Of course I could stop now. All of the guys have a reason to throw in the towel, but we don't. We all have busy lives outside of the band, but it's what makes us us.

Why would we quit now when we're so successful? Infinity On High is rocketing off the charts and our new album is almost finished.

We've hit this high point in our career where we're not too old, but not too young. Young bands are ambitious and filled to brim with ideas and eventually fade out when things get too tough. Old bands run out of ideas and quit the business.

Fall Out Boy is not a band to be forgotten. We will not die off like the other bands we're constantly compared to. We'll keep making music, maybe even change our sound around, is that such a tragedy?

The truth is, I can't leave now. Those guys are my best friends and I can't leave them, even for family. The band has made decisions for me that I was too afraid to make on my own. Fall Out Boy was making me a better person.

This is what I want my Wentz Jr. to go through; not necessarily to be in a band, but have people to be there for him or her when they need it. All it took was that one ah-ha! moment to realize what I had and what that little baby growing inside Ashlee's stomach could have.