Drowning (A Phanfic)

Chapter 2

~Dan's POV~

I wake up and squint at my phone. 2:31 it says. I still have time to sleep. I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep, but thirty minutes later, I accept that its not gonna happen. I log onto tumblr and browse through my tag. What the fuck kind of fans do I have. People make the weirdest edits out of me and sometimes I fall off my bed laughing in the middle of the night. I blame Phil for his editing tips. But sometimes some v disturbing Phan smut comes up...Bloody Christ. I get a text. It's from Melissa. Hey, bitch. It says. I ignore it. My screen lights up as I get another one. Hope you're not trying to sleep. It says. I ignore it again. Sure would be a shame if a slut woke up from it's attempt at a beauty sleep. Not that you'd ever be anything but an ugly whore. Tears brim my eyes. I open my laptop and go to Netflix. I try watching Doctor Who to cheer myself up, but I can't concentrate or fall into a daze, trapped in the world of Daleks and the TARDIS and Cybermen. I get up and go to the kitchen, and get my box of cereal. Empty. Thanks Phil. I go to the spot where I hide my spare cereal and pour some. I only eat a few bites though. I go to my room and rub off the makeup covering my scars, then apply more. I think about cutting, but I resist. Something like that can't make me cut, I tell myself. But its true, I think. I put the makeup back in the department behind my drawer, right above the one my blades are in. I pretend I'm asleep when I hear Phil knock on my door and wait for him to leave. I sigh. I want to tell him but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he'll judge me, or that he'll think of me differently. I'm afraid it will change things between us. I like Phil. I like Phil a lot. And I don't want him to stop liking me because of my depression.

~Phil's POV~

I knock on Dan's door. I know he's awake because I heard him about twenty minutes ago. No answer. I know he's ignoring me. I walk away. I have to get him out of the house, I think. At noon I text him.

P: Hey dan

D: what

P: we need more cereal

D: ik

P: can you get some

D: ok

I go to my room and go through old files on my laptop and listen to My Chemical Romance with my headphones on. I wait for him to leave, and go to his room. I shouldn't be in here, and I don't want to be. But my curious side took over, and I went in there. I figure that one of these days my curious side will get me killed, like I'll be on a plane and see a small red button and push it. Then suddenly the alarm will start blaring and we'll be heading towards the ground at maximum speed. I check under his bed. I think about checking in his drawers. I don't do that, though. Its his room I'm invading. I shouldn't be here in the first place. What did I expect to find, anyway? What was I even looking for? And its unlikely that I'll ever be able to find anything in this mess. I walk out of the room. But before going back to my room, I take one last glance toward his room. I like Dan a lot. I wish I could tell him that. That I'm gay. But I can't. I don't know why I can't, though, because I'm certain he wouldn't care if I was gay. He's going to find out sooner or later, I think. And I might as well be the one to tell him.

 I go to the door because I hear Dan. He has three boxes of cereal, four pints of ice cream, and some milk. He also hides a jar of peanut butter and thinks I didn't notice. I smirk and mentally laugh. He hides so much food its actually hilarious. He has a secret stash of cereal and marshmallows. Once I found a bag of chips shoved under the bathroom sink. He obviously doesn't want me touching his food. Probably because of how much I raid his cereal. I doubt he notices that, though. He's only caught me a couple (32) times. I immediately get a pint of ice cream because its strawberry cheesecake flavored. Yum. I watch Netflix and eat ice cream until suddenly it's 4 pm. I pick up TABINOF and look through it. I see the page saying I can't have a hamster. I want a hamster. Although I dont want to have an experience like Dan where my whole life and soul become dedicated to giving that hamster a bigger home, and becoming a slave for it, only for it to become a genius hamster and escape. I would probably cry if my hamster ran away. I look through the page on some random things said in the early hours of morning or extremely late at night. I still have no idea why my left sock was damp. Its a mystery that may never be solved.

I look at the pictures of me and Dan together and sigh. We had to pose for those. I wish it could be like that all the time. I wish we could put our heads on each others shoulders because we wanted to, and for it to be for each other and not the fans. I wish we could cuddle together. Nothing extreme, just small things. Just two boyfriends. It can't be like that, though, I think. Dan is straight. We're just really close friends sharing a flat, that's all. Okay, that definitely sounded gay. Sounded like something from a fanfiction. Pretty sure I've read it. But living with Dan I know he's not gay. I want to tell him. I want to tell him a lot. I have to tell him soon. Not that I'm in love with him, just that I'm gay. And maybe he'd accept me. But I'm living with constant fear that he wouldn't. That it would change things between us, and we would live with that awkward tension hanging between us, leaving us as friends but not close anymore. Or if he straight up stopped liking me. If we couldn't be friend anymore just because of my homosexuality I might just cry. I don't know for how long. Probably until I run out of tears. This is why I don't tell him, even after being friends for as long as we are. Maybe I would have told him a few years ago if I had known. But I didn't know for sure until about one and as half years ago. And I meant to tell him after I found out. But then those thoughts of doubts came racing through my mind,, and held me back just as they do now. If I had a stronger conscious, I could fight it. But I don't, and I can't. I decide that I have to tell him in three days at the most. There's no point in denying it at this point, and it will feel better to get it off my chest. I'll try to do it in two days, I think. That way I'll have time to mentally prepare myself tomorrow. But if I try to mentally prepare myself, thoughts might come washing in, stopping me from doing it yet again. I have to tell him tomorrow. The sooner, the better.

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A/N: Very stress. Much gay. Sorry my chapters aren't very good so far. Idek what my last chapter was, it really sucked. But whatever. Also, the following chapter may have a trigger warning. I'll put a warning before and after it, and I'll try to make them small so you don't miss much.

-Keep fighting, C