Drowning (A Phanfic)

Chapter 3

~Dan's POV~

I don't sleep. Melissa texts me again. I haven't been eating very much lately, all I've eaten in the last 24 hours is a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter. I check my emails. I have fan mail and hate mail. I usually delete the hate mail without looking at it, but this time I go through it. Go kill yourself, One says. You and your fag ass boyfriend should deleted your channels and die in a hole. I open another one. You anorexic slut, please go die. Nobody cares about your worthless life and its obvious how gay you are. If you question your existence so much then why don't you kill yourself you selfish bitch.

❌❌ TRIGGER WARNING❌❌

I go to the drawer where I keep my blades. I unlock the department behind it, and take one out. I press the cool metal to my skin, and leave a long mark going across my arm.

One for not eating,

Two for my depression,

Three for my lies,

Four for not resisting,

And a final one for Phil.

❌❌ END OF TRIGGER WARNING❌❌

I go to the bathroom and wash the blood of my arms and my blade as a tear flows down my cheek. I dont wipe it off. I go back to my room and put the blades back where I keep them, then put makeup on my fresh scars. I lay down on my bed and close my eyes. A couple hours later, I'm still laying on my bed and Phil knocks on my door. I don't answer. He opens the door and I stay like that. "Dan I know you're probably having another existential crisis but I'm ordering take out, so what do you want?" I roll over. "Nothing. I'm not hungry." Phil raises his eyebrows. "You sure?" He asks. No. But I don't tell him that. "Yeah," I lie. "Okay, then." He walks away.

~Phil's POV~

I order take out for me and Dan, even though he said he didn't want any. I'm going to tell him after dinner. I have to tell him. I'm worried about what he'll say. I prepare myself. I get back with take out, and even though I can tell he doesn't want to, he eats some. I think about how I'm going to tell him and what he'll say the whole time. I have a speech planned out inside my head, and I go over it in my head again and again until I know it by heart. Assuming his reaction is okay. After that I make hot cocoa to soften the situation and give him some. He thanks me. "Hey, um, Dan?" I ask shyly. He looks at me. "Hm?" He asks. "I kinda have to tell you something..." I say. "What is it, Phil?" He looks concerned. Suddenly the speech I've rehearsed over in my head disappears. All thoughts of confidence comes streaming out of my mind like a waterfall that's been held back by a dam. By a Dan, in my case. I struggle for words and courage. "Well, I-I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, b-but I've never really done it before, and..." I laugh nervously. Nothing about this is funny, though. In fact, everything about this is quite terrifying to me. "Phil, please. Just tell me what it is." He puts his hand on my arm. I don't know if I can do this. I can do this. No, I can't. I can't do this. I cannot do this. "I..." Dan looks at me. "If you don't want to tell me Phil, then don't tell me. I can see you practically having a nervous breakdown." I have to tell him this. But I won't tell him I love him. I'm not ready for that. I'll never be ready for that. And he'll probably never know. But this much, I can tell him. No, I can't tell him this, I have to. I take a deep breath. I'm not ready for this. But I do it anyway. "Dan, I'm gay." He stares at me. "I mean, I-I don't like you. I mean I like you, but not like that. Its just-I'm gay. I don't want anything to change between us, I just wanted to tell you this. Please don't be upset." I wait for a reaction. He just continues to stare at me. Just when I think I'm going to have to be the one to break the silence, he does it. "Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. Just-Just stop for a second. Phil Lester, who has a diary about being really sad when this one girl didn't kiss him, is gay." Then he does something I wasn't expecting. He laughs. He actually laughs. "Why are you laughing?" I ask cautiously. "Its just-its just," He says in between laughing, "I was not expecting that. Phil Lester, my best friend, is gay." He laughs harder. "Wow" He says. And then I start to laugh, too. And pretty soon we're just sitting there, laughing together, just because I told him I was gay. "So everything is still the same?" I ask. "Of course it is! Were you expecting me to hate you?" He asks. "Well..." I say. He chuckles. "'Course not" He says.

~Dan's POV~

Oh my God. He's actually gay. But he said himself he doesn't love me. So I can't get my hopes up. But still...I have a chance. I don't cut that night. I go to sleep at 4:00 am, but I go to sleep happy for once. Phil and I spent the rest of the night eating ice cream and watching netflix and looking at other youtubers videos. We played the seven second challenge, too. I smile. If I could win his heart...

I can't believe he actually thought I wouldn't accept him. Of course I would. I might tell him I'm gay, too. But I can't tell him about my depression. Nope. Nope nope nope. But I don't think about that. I want to stay happy right now.

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A/N: Yay Phil! Things have been going too well lately, and you know it can't last. So be prepared for Satan to strike sometime in the next two chapters ^_^

-Keep fighting, C