Kellic One-Shots

Holding On To You

(just so you know, this does include darker thoughts and ideas so if that's a problem for you, PLEASE be careful! :) I want to make sure you're all okay!)

  I had been seemingly pushed aside, overridden by another force I couldn't control, from having power over my own body for what felt like forever. It had destroyed me little by little, taking pieces of me and my life and hiding them for fun. Relationships I had went up in flames and all I could do was sit and watch with tired eyes. I felt nothing, yet I felt everything. It was like two sides of me. Just recently I had taken myself back, pushing out the other force with all strength I had left.

In the time that I was a puppet to whatever had controlled me, I knew so much of me had been lost. There were so many pieces I had to find and rebuild. But I fought whatever resistance and hesitance passed through me and continued on my way to search for them. The only remaining person in my life was my boyfriend, Kellin. I had heard my mouth say such horrible things to him, but it wasn't me. He remained by my side regardless; he seemed to understand. That was why I loved him.

I wrote my trapped thoughts down onto paper, creating a tale that never ended happily. With each letter, it unfolded into a tragic story of loss and love. Those words held me together; my life and soul was described and locked inside the scrawl that moved its way across the paper. I trusted Kellin to take hold of this and keep it locked away, far away from my reach, so I could not destroy my life and soul in a few swift hand movements.

  The returning of myself and my emotion brought back my overwhelming love for my boyfriend. His voice, his face, his memories swirled around me, and it brought me back to reality to where I wasn't sure if I missed the feeling of emotion. It was so powerful, the feeling of love, and I fell head over heels once more for his affection.

So I held onto him, captivated by his every move, and continued on.

______

"Remember this moment." I said randomly to Kellin aloud.

"Why?" He questioned, looking over at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"Because right now, I know exactly where I'm going and what I plan to do. And I may not soon. So remember it."

"And why can't you remember?" He asked playfully, nudging me.

"Because I have bad memory. Come on. Try me. Ask me what I had for breakfast." I demanded.

"I'm not asking you what you had for breakfast."

"Come onnnnnn. Ask me."

He sighed. "What did you have for breakfast?"

"NO IDEA!" I shouted, laughing a real laugh. He just looked at me with mock disappointment and shook his head, hiding a smile.

"Okay, I believe you." He stated, still silently laughing. "I'll remember."
___

I stared at the windowsill that lay opposite my bed. Thinking to myself, I realized just how much I had seen that exact windowsill without thinking much of it. It was nice, yet I hadn't even given it the time of day before that moment. I wondered what else I had been missing.

12:19am. The time that always jumbled my thoughts and my emotions, causing me to think twice about everything, including my own existence. I shook my head, as if shooing away these voices, my voices, taking my metaphorical ball of pain and lighting it on fire with as much gasoline as I could find.

Past the overlooked windowsill stood a tree, the one where I had previously stood just days before, rope in hand, ready to guide its branches as needed.

I remembered him though, and left my nature-based friend behind.

____

I always asked questions, dared someone to engage in my conversations with myself. It entertained me. I questioned basic human knowledge with one sentence and waited for a contradiction.

I always went with what came, tried not to let it bother me until it became a necessity to stop. But I was gifted this talent of being able to write down these occurrences in verses and rhythms. It came from my heart rather than a speaker system or a robot that generated these feelings for me.

  It was unfair yet a blessing. A curse yet a great gift. A hurricane yet a rainstorm after a year of drought. Life, that is.

  After everything that had happened, I still had at least someone by my side who still stood by me, who held on to me like railings. I was grateful for that, because a lot of times I tripped, falling backwards into this pit that seemed to surround me. I would always feel a hand reach out and catch me before I was submerged in the black.

  Metaphorically and literally I was a mess but I was his mess. When I was with him I felt the pit shrinking and fading out and I saw the light shining through. I felt love. And that's all I wanted to feel for the rest of my existence. Granted, I had to feel other things too, but I let that overpower my being. I never regretted it.

  I just let him hold on to me.

____

HEY GUYS sorry I suck at updating and that this is all over the place, but I wrote it so sporadically. Hopefully you still enjoy it.

I love you all sososo much. Over 5k reads? WHAT. YOU'RE GREAT.

Take care of yourselves. You're important. You matter. You're loved.

-Sneakers11 (Lyric)