Kellic One-Shots

Letters To My Love

Dear Kellin, I began. No, too... casual. I need to do this right. Kellin, my love, I wrote now. That was better.

Kellin, my love.

It's been 42 days now. It feels like years. Every breath, every minute, every milisecond that I'm away from you feels like a piece of me is being torn to shreds. I have only left my room to get food, which honestly, is not very often. Because without you, I have no appetite. In the time that I've spent by myself in my room, which is basically all the time, I've been reminscing about the beautiful and amazing past times we've had together that I could never forget even if I wiped my memory.

Remember that one time, before we knew our feelings for each other, when we were hanging out and talking? You had been humming a made-up tune and I had been trying to hum along with you. Then, we were laughing, and our hands touched. Do you remember that spark? I know I do. It felt like I was being electrocuted by thousands of lighting bolts. It was exhilarating. That exact moment, I knew that I wanted to be with you. I still wouldn't ever have changed that.

Remember, about a month later, when you asked me on a date? I don't know if I ever told you, but I was going to ask you, too. I had flowers ready and everything. But you know what, Kells? The nervous yet adorable look on your face when you shyly muttered those 6 words was worth not making the first move. I hugged you right after you asked me, and you hugged back, and we just stood there like that while time stopped and everyone around us vanished.

Do you remember our first date? We went to the fair because it was in town that week. You wanted to go on all the rides before it closed for the night. I dragged you on the ferris wheel before that, even though you were afraid of heights. When we got to the top, though, you were awestruck. That look on your face made me smile as you looked around you like a dinosaur-obsessed kid in a natural history museum. Then, as the sun was setting amongst the horizon, the sky a palette of reds and oranges, we shared our first kiss. That moment is one of my favorites; the one that I think of when I miss you. Granted, it makes me miss you even more, but it brings back that feeling of weightlessness to me for at least a few minutes. You also got sick later that evening, but it was kinda cute how helpless you were. I got to comfort you all the way home and got to stay the night to check up on you. I knew you felt bad for ruining our date, but honestly, it was one of the best days of my life.

That was two years ago in a week. By then it will have been 49 days and I'll still be in the same state. Honestly, I don't know when I won't be.

Now I'm thinking of Junior Prom. You remember that, don't you? I finally gained the courage to make the first move. You cried as your eyes scanned the giant letters I had formed out of lit candles beneath your bedroom window. I had cancelled our plans for that night, knowing you'd be disappointed. You received a text from me not too long after, though, and that's when you saw. You had been crying and nodding at me through the window when I saw your figure disappear. What seemed like .5 seconds later, you had run out your front door and into my arms as we shared a passionate kiss.

The day of the actual dance, after checking my reflection in my rearview mirror about a trillion times, I had nervously walked out to your front door and forced myself to push the button that chimed with the psychical contact of it. I stood there, nervously wringing my hands and shifting the weight between my feet. 12 seconds later- yes, I counted- you had opened the door, leaving me in awe. You had looked so handsome, smiling your famous lopsided smile and biting your lip as you scanned me as well. We both just grinned at each other foolishly for a while before your mom had coughed and offered to take our pictures.

We did the standard prom poses, but also silly ones. We took turns lifting each other, giving piggy-back rides, and overly dramatic cheek kisses. I secretly loved the candid one of us kissing that your mom happened to take. I still have it in my pocket and carry it around. It's worn and folded, but I still love it regardless. I'm looking at it as I write this and I hope you know I'm smiling like an idiot through my tears.

That fight we had, right before. I had told you that I regretted ever talking to you. I never got to tell you otherwise. You know I didn't mean that right? I was wrong. The one thing I regret is ever saying that. It was a complete and utter lie, brought on by stupidity and anger. Kellin, I swear if I could do anything to change the world, I would change that one thing I said, because you are my world. But, to be fair, when you drove off that night, I thought I would see you again.

I never thought you would crash. And I never thought I would have to say goodbye to you through the wooden panels of a coffin.

It's been 42 days. In approximately 3 hours and 37 minutes, it will have been 43, and my miserable days without you will begin once again. It was like a cycle of misery.

Kellin, my tears are staining this paper, so I can't go on much longer. I know you won't ever read this, but you haven't read my other 41 letters either. Still, I will continue to stack these in a pile on my bedside table and hope for the day that you will return to read through them all. Each day I write new memories, and I know I will never run out. Because each day I spent with you involved thousands.

You were my world, Kellin Quinn. You are my world. My thoughts, my body, the air around me- they all contain you. Your words, your voice, your laugh, your smile, your eyes, the way your nose crinkled when you got angry- they all echo around me. You will always be the one for me and I will see you soon, I hope. Soon, my love. I will be there to greet you and kiss you once more, with an apology on my lips along with yours.

I love you with all my heart. Not loved. Love.
-Vic