A Cutter's Story

Thoughts

I smile but I can't keep it up much longer. I'm fighting a losing battle. The thought of cutting is always on my mind. The little voice in my head told me if I just did it one more time I would be fine. It will never be enough. I will never be good enough. I wish I could just end this. I don't want to live this life anymore. I don't want to kill myself I just want to be dead. I'm so twisted and sick. I refuse to see a therapist. Yeah, sitting in a fake-happy room for and hour talking about my feelings. If I was ever actually forced I would fake okay. I know what they want to hear and not and I would convince them I was fine.

Growing up, I had 2 bipolar brothers. They were often convinced they could live by themselves. They would run away and be gone for hours at a time. Looking back I wish they would have stayed gone. Sometimes I had to finish dinner and clean for guests and keep everything together while my mom smoked a pack of cigarettes riding up and down the same roads over and over again. I learned how to survive.

I became my own mom. I taught myself to braid hair, put on makeup. My mom was never there for me. We were never close. Maybe that's why when I cut for almost 4 years she had no clue. Maybe that's why she never knew I cried myself to sleep at night, every night. I don't know. Maybe she did know and didn't care. I don't know. I guess I never cared enough to ask. Never will. I plan to move out soon. I don't want to be in her life. I want to see my dad but not her. I don't want her around my kids. Ever. Never ever. She means nothing to me.

As far as my brothers? I would kill them but neither are worth the jail time. I don't want to kill them, but I see them killing me or trying to. I think one day in the near future they'll snap and I will be found dead that day and then people will realize I fought hard. I tried. I warned everyone he was crazy but nobody cared.

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short filler chapter. sorry for that. working on 2 stories now ans juggling a lot of other stuff. check out my twitter @scarrednotbroke. I will make a longer chapter soon, maybe upload Tuesday or Wednesday. check out my other story, facing it head-on. I'm thinking the next chapter will be a little in depth, so I'll warn ahead of time. thanks and kisses, K.