A Cutter's Story

Perfect Life?

I guess everybody's story is different. Mine was great at first. I lived in a charming house in Tennessee. It was a 3-bedroom, much to small for my family of 6. There was only supposed to be 1. My parents weren't supposed to be able to have kids, so they adopted. Then 3 more came along, and we needed a bigger house. We packed up our things, along with 7 years of memories, and moved across the border.

Mississippi was a wonderful place. It was full of adventures many for a 4 year old. I played with my neighbor, we had plenty of time together. We swam in the backyard pool, played with my cocker spaniel, and pretended we ruled the world in his fenced on backyard. The grass was kept uniformly cut, dark luscious green grass. It snowed most winters, and we always had a warm bed to sleep in.

Behind the happy smiles and the messy hair and crooked teeth and perfectly matched clothes was a nightmare. We were hit often, as discipline. I don't guess anyone really thinks that's bad in the south. Its okay to smack your kid around. The way we were hit though, it left us bruised and crying ourselves to sleep curled up in the fetal position.

I am the baby so I saw I dealt with a lot. We're all very close in age and that causes problems. My siblings thought they could boss me around and I should parade around to their liking. I hated it. I have many scars from my sisters long nails twisting into my skin as she held me by my wrists or legs.

I'm not sure the exact date, or what started it, but I was molested. My brothers both did it and I remember it like it was yesterday. Why did they choose me? It haunts me to this day. I have nightmares and flashbacks daily. 5 years later I cut to stop the pain and remind myself I'm alive.

Cutting isn't a way of getting attention. It isn't a way of rebellion. Its so much deeper. It is one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. It is so gripping, controlling. It never stops, no matter hard I try. I can go from fine to cutting and back to acting fine in an impressive amount of time. Just minutes.