A Cutter's Story

My Crumbling World

Well volleyball started, and I have cut. After years of lying though, I'm better at hiding it. I cut much farther up than I used to. Right now I'm wearing short white shorts, yet no one suspects anything. I have cuts on my hands and my legs and every one thinks everything is okay. Its so not though. How can it be? I will never be okay. It sucks, but I have to deal with it. No one understands. No one cares anyways...

I'm scared of living. I'm scared of waking up tomorrow. I'm scared of dying, in a sense. I don't want to die just anyhow. This is odd, but I don't want to die just anyway. I want to be murdered saving someone else's life, or die after a long battle with cancer, or be shot down doing something good. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to die. Ugh, I confuse myself.

Watching The Fosters (its a show on ABC Family about a lesbian couple who adopts 2 children and are fostering 2 others, its a really great show, you should check it out.) today killed me. Cali finally explained what happened with Liam, her old foster brother. He raped her one night and she finally opened up about it. Hearing her talk about what happened, I broke. Seriously, these shows, they make it seem so easy to talk about, but its not. It feels like nails are dragging across your heart, hundreds of voices in your head are warning you to shut up, and your stomach does flips over and over and over until its a small knot. You feel like crying and yelling and dying and running all at once. For me I wanted to cut. Tonight, however, I want to talk about it. I want to tell everyone. I want to shout it to the world and not stop. But, instead, I'm laying in my bed watching a Criminal Minds and watching a woman talking about her husband and babysitter being murdered, trying not to remember that my razor is in the drawer I keep my shorts in. Its not working. I'm only a few days clean, 4 days actually. Now I have this tightness in my chest, as if I can't breath right. I love this show. Really, I do. Here's a quote, that idk why, but I like it. "Do you feel that? Not the pain; do you feel your heart starting to be a little bit faster? It's not your mind panicking it's your body. It's fighting to adapt."

- Greg, Criminal Minds, 'The Stranger'

That spoke to me. The guy was cutting his step moms wrist and asking her about it. I remembered every single time I cut. The pain, the red rolling down my leg, the adrenaline in my veins. One time I cut because my dad. I was yelling at Daniel for being stupid, he really is. He is so stupid. I was tired of it and my dad said something about me not deserving friends and being a bitch. I came straight upstairs, went directly to the bathroom and cut. My leg was colored with lines and lines and I told myself "Never again." That was a lie. A huge lie. I kept on, and the only time it was worse than that was when I cut everyday.

Hearing about other people cut, it wears me down. I know cutting is a problem, I know I need help to stop it, and I know that its painful for me and everyone close to me. I also know I don't wanna stop. I just don't. I want to help others though. There's no reason they should suffer like I do. There is no reason they should hate themselves like I do. Lift up your head, lovely child. Wipe those tears away. You are so much better. No one deserves to suffer to the point they want to die. No one needs to hate themselves or hurt themselves or starve themselves or commit suicide.

These past few days have sucked. I almost cried my eyes out in front of everyone for no apparent reason. I just.... I can't. Its not worth it anymore. I miss my old life. The one when no one knew my secret, when no one judged me, when people understood me. I'm just, I'm tired of waking up everyday and living this same terrible life. I don't know how I can keep doing it.

So, my bestfriend's dad, Jay, was studying to become a doctor. He is the smartest person I know, and I trust everything his says medically. Today, he noticed I have several lymph node clusters swollen. Lymph nodes get the "poison" out of your body, making sure everything functions correctly. Usually, if your lymph nodes are swollen for a while its something serious- if you've been sick or had an infection they'll swell to get rid of the toxins. Since mine are swollen and have been for a week or more, it causes concern. I can have lymphoma or cancer. I almost think I would want cancer. It would make me sick and I would lose a lot of weight. I finally wouldn't be fat and guys would like me and I could finally just be happy.

Days clean: 0

I wasn't going to, but I did. To late now. I also decided I would put the real names of my brothers because I'm done protecting them. Daniel's name is really Douglas and Christian's is Lucas. Those bastards ruined my life.

Douglas steals my underwear and bras, and my mom knows but won't do anything about it because she wants to think everything is okay. It's not. He's been doing it for a while. Actually, they both did. We would do major cleanings of rooms every 6 months or so, and every time we found bras and panties all together or mine and my sisters but I never thought anything of it. Now I have. They always said they musta got thrown in their room when someone cleaned the bathroom, but that doesn't make sense. Why would they all nearly new together under their beds if it was put in there with other clothes? They were obviously lying and I was done.

I was clean for a while. I'm not sure how long, but I threw it down the drain. I cut again the other day. It was to much. I'm happy though, I've missed seeing cuts on my leg. Its pretty great to look down and see cuts. I love it. They're like my old ones, across and up and down. Its farther up and stung way more, but I've missed them and I'm glad they're here. They're here to stay.

I went swimming today with a kid I used to babysit and his mom(she was 16 when she had him). When I put sunblock on him he wanted some on his mommy, and when she spread her arms I saw her scars and I almost cried. Then, in the pool with the kid, I was sitting down with him in my lap on the steps and when I looked down I could see almost all my fresh cuts. I also noticed Tiff's SH scars on the side of her leg and almost cried again. I'm so worn out from that. We were there for hours and I'll be sunburned tomorrow, so I'm going to sleep, but I would rather cut. I would rather die. I would rather give up...

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So 42 reads :) that's twice what it was at the last upload. So, I want to say if anything is triggering to you, please stop reading this. & if you ever want to talk to anyone you can DM me on twitter @scarrednotbroke. Stay strong babes. I seriously love all of y'all. <3