A Cutter's Story

Getting to Know Me

You want to take someone back and give it another try but you can't. It hurt you so deeply you can't go through that again.

-Taylor Swift

I don't know where to go anymore... am I even supposed to go anywhere? I mean, I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm stupid. I'm worthless. I am seriously a waste of oxygen. I don't even know why I'm alive.

I have so little will power. The only reason I know I have some is because if I didn't my arms would have pretty red lines all over them. I consider cuts "pretty".? What is wrong with me? Pretty. Pretty. Cuts are pretty. Yeah, they are.

Especially if no one knows. It means I've tricked them. It means I've perfected my acting. I can cut and cut and cut and cry and wipe my tears and dry the blood and walk out like it never happened. That is pretty impressive, isn't it?

Like, who woulda guessed. If I never told anyone what would my life be now? I'm going to keep cutting. No one can control my cutting. If I want to, I will. I am. I am going to soon. I can feel my will sinking and making me want to again. I want to very badly. I want to right now. Someday, no matter how bad I try I can't stop it. Its so terrifying to be on the edge and know one little trip and you're gone. I don't care.

I'm not afraid of death. If I die, I die. That only means I'll be another spot in the ground taken up. 6 feet under. I'm looking forward to it. Suicide? I don't think so. Living life on the carefree side? Yeah. I don't want to spend my life worrying about the what ifs. What if I die? OH WELL! What if I cut? OH WELL! What if I am murdered or get a disease or have some weird genetic problem or cancer or something like that? OH FUCKING WELL! I lived in fear for years, I'm ready to actually live again. If I die, I die. I'm not gonna fight it. I'm not gonna slow it down. I will accept it.

Some people are afraid of death. I'm not. Why should I be? It happens to everyone. Sometimes it happens for no good reason. It happens to innocent people. It happens to children, grandparents, moms dads, infants. Every single person will die. Why be afraid?