A Cutter's Story

I'm Getting Worse & Suicide: Real Talk

I cut again today, even though it's only been 2 days since the last time. I just needed to. Nothing specific happened, but cutting seemed right.

People who laugh at cutters and make jokes and call them disgusting, those are the kind of people I hate. Why would you want to down a person who is obviously already hurt. How could someone look at someone so emotionally broke that they can take a price of metal and shove it into their skin and make a sick joke or call them a name? Its bullshit. It makes me not want to live anymore. It makes me so mad and the anger boils up and even if it is not even a joke to me, it makes me wanna cry. It makes me want to punch them in the face and kick them in the crotch and let them know just how painful those " innocent " jokes are. People kill themselves, end their own lives, because of jokes.

People who feel like its their job to tell someone they're "ugly" or "fat" or "psycho", those are the people I hate. I really can't stand people who put others down for a laugh. Those people, they don't even understand. Those words are so much more. They're hate and truth and pain to the person hearing them. They're a lot more than you think.

When I cut I do it because I can't hold it in and bottle it up and keep quiet. Its a yell. Not a yell for help, a yell for peace from this hell. Its a yell for a way out. Those people that think cutting is for attention, they're so wrong. How could you think someone could put a blade to their own body and slice it open just to get attention from someone? No, it doesn't work like that. Someone doesn't just do that. Society is so stupid and naive. Unless you've been in that situation, you DON'T know what its like, all the thoughts running through your head. You just don't.

Suicide, suicide is so terrible. For someone to end their own life over words and lies and stupidity, that's devastating. That's not just sad, it's disgusting. Not the person or the act of suicide, but the people that push a person, a human being, to death. Suicide is one of the saddest things to experience. US suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255 . Please call that if you want to kill yourself. DM me on twitter @scarrednotbroke. Comment your number and I'll text/call you. Anything. Just please don't kill yourself. <3

I'm getting worse again. Cutting. That's getting to be an everyday thing again. Right before my "friend" told the teacher, I was cutting twice a week every week, then 4 days in a row. That's not "bad" if you consider people who cut everyday for years, except the fact I wasn't doing one or two cuts, its always 10+ . Over 4 days I cut both by legs so much I literally ran out of room. Wearing jeans hurt because they were so sore. I hated doing anything. God forbid someone touch my leg. That almost brought me to tears. Volleyballs slamming into them, fuck it.

One time I cut my wrist, and I kept it covered. No one saw for a few days, and when they did they made a huge deal out of it. They all got mad at me for doing it and then I wouldn't show them. They called me "air" and wouldn't talk to me because of it. I don't know what they were thinking, a suicidal depressed person doesn't need to be ignored and called air to get a point across. No, you should look at them and tell them its okay and beg them not to do it again. You shouldn't get mad they don't show you, if you want to see it that bad, you're kinda demented. Why would you want to look at another person's self harm? I don't get it.

I don't know the first time I cut, I haven't seen the last day I cut, but I'm trying. I may or may not be successful but I'm trying. The first time I went swimming this summer my mom looked at my legs and told me I got "lucky" that my scars weren't noticeable. I'm white, like unnaturally white, so no my scars don't usually show, but they are there. She doesn't realize a thick scar u have a my leg that's been there since 7th grade is from a razor. I cut it over and over so I wouldn't have to many scars. I stopped because the scar tissue grew to much and it wasn't a satisfying cut anymore.

Don't tell someone who self harms that they're lucky their scars don't show. It made me want to cut more. It made me mad that I wasn't a good enough cutter that I left scars like my sister did. It made me want to cut more.

I wanted to cut the other day, but when I looked for my razor its wasn't there. That bothered me because I had already lost blades and I didn't want anyone to see it and get suspicious. I looked all over and checked the drawer at least 3 times. The next day, I looked and there it was.

******

This is short, most of my chapters are. 1 away from 50 reads. Holy crap, that means almost 50 people have read MY story. That means a lot to me. It really does.

I'm 0 days clean, but I'm trying. If you have a twitter, comment your user name and I'll give you a shout out it give me your insta and I'll do that same.

I cut in a different place than I used to. It bleeds a lot more, but that doesn't make the actual number of cuts go down. I have volleyball today so I'm nervous someone will see. They're high up though, so not likely. If it wasn't volleyball season I'd cut further down.

Thank you guys so much, it seems every time I look I have 5+ new readers. That amazes me. I love all of you. I'm also going to start posting the hotline numbers when I remember. No on should suffer alone. </3

National HopelineNetwork

National SuicidePrevention Lifeline

1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-8255 --LifeLineChat--

I'M ALIVE.org

CrisisChat.org Online Emotional Support

An Online Crisis Network

Hours Vary - Approx

Suicide & Crisis Chat

12hrs daily /7 days

Youth America Hotline

The Trevor Project

Counseling for Teensby Teens

Crisisintervention & Suicide prevention

1-877-YOUTHLINE

1-866-488-7386

1-877-968-8454

For lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth Trevor Chat • Trevor Space

COLLEGE STUDENTS

GradResources.org

ULIFELINE.org

1-800-GRAD-HLP

Counseling Centers& Crisis Lines

1-800-472-3457

For Your College or University

National Graduate Student Crisis Line Immediate 24 Hour Help for Grads in Crisis

Vet2Vet Veteran'sCrisis Hotline

Veteran'sCrisisLine.net

1-800-273-8255 PRESS1

1-877-VET-2-VET

1-877-838-2838

Confidential Live VeteransChat

TTY - Hearing & Speech Impaired

Postpartum Depression ?

1-800-799-4TTY

Talk to a Mom who's been there.

1-800-799-4889

1-800-PPD-MOMS

1-800-773-6667

I know all that's a little jumbled, but check out the websites, call a number. Save your own life. <3 -K