Downworld

Chapter 7

It took me six months, more therapy and talking about my "feelings" than anyone should have to endure, and several rounds of throwing medication at the wall to see what stuck, for me to talk myself back into even setting foot in downworld again.

There were no fire works or panic attacks. I just walked down, paced for a bit, then walked back up. Little goals, my therapist said. Slow desensitization. Pathetic baby steps that felt more like failures than wins. I was glad that no one who knew me saw.

It was another month before I pushed myself all the way to Tinder's door. She was surprised, but happy. It was kind of sickening. She made me hold the baby. It spit up on me. Yeah, that was what I was working so hard to be able to experience. If not for Tinder's overwhelming pleasure at having her childhood BFF back, and what a pain in the ass she would be if I just cut and run, I would have probably just packed it in. I draw the line at baby vomit.

But the next time, Fiona practically projectile vomited into Kean's face. That was funny enough that we made peace, on the condition that she never ever do that to me. Plus, she kept trying to give me her favorite toy. Even I'm not that heartless, okay?

I still couldn't get over the gut clenching fear that around every corner there could be a noble. Though since Malik had more than proved that wasn't a danger only in downworld, the tension followed me around everywhere. Not that it stopped me from doing anything, because no bloody noble who only existed in my mind was going to scare me into stopping me from doing what I wanted.

Tinder quickly got sick of me tensing up at every shadow. She all but dragged me to meet Raven in some partly misguided attempt to show me they weren't all bad.

It went pretty fucking awful.

This time, I was the one who threw up, though fortunately not in Raven or Tinder's face.

All jolly fun times in the down. I was not medicated enough for that shit.

Tinder did kind of have a point though, not that I would ever admit that. One good thing about my panic attack in front of Raven, it earned me some pity points. Combined with what I could only assume was glee at finding another downworlder who wasn't picture perfect, she offered to be my exposure therapy practice dummy.

Raven was one of the few nobles I actually had respect for. She'd never been able to speak, but she hadn't let that hold her back. Not had she allowed it to turn her into a bloodthirsty bitch. She treated her people as well as she could without looking weak. She dished out the necessary punishments without enjoying the pain she was causing. That was about as good as it gets in downworld.

She was also female. I don't mean to be a sexist asshole, but on a scale from bunny rabbits to lynch mobs, women nobles never seemed as much of a threat as men to my personal brand of fucked up.

She also had the power to order Tinder to get off my case. Anyone who can do that is someone I want on my side. I might love Tinder, but I was liking being one of her special projects less and less.

The thing Raven couldn't do was make Tinder stop being so smug. No one has that power.

So there we were, two defective freaks sitting in the Gateway's lobby chatting and looking suspiciously like friends, and not for the first time.

That's when she made me the offer.

I can't say I didn't expect it. Hell, it had Tinder written all over it.

Raven knew well enough to stay quiet -- yes, she was always quiet but you know what I mean -- until I'd stopped with the panicking and beaten down my guardian into a more manageable state. Then she laid out her offer, which resulted in no major changes to my current life, and one major advantage when trying to deal with any other noble I came in contact with that wasn't Raven. Tinder even showed up at one point, to defend her plan and argue that if I didn't have to worry about my guardian reacting to every noble, I could get a better handle on my "issues" that occurred when they were around. She actually said issues; I rolled my eyes at her.

I didn't agree straight away.

They wore me down.

I didn't go back down for a month after, no matter what my bloody guardian said.