An Average Girl

Just This Once

I just want to apologize for the extremely late update and short chapter. I'm back home for the month, and I didn't realize how difficult it would be to find time with a computer with internet. Regardless of it all, I hope you enjoy it!

Summary of Last Chapter: In the last chapter Sara was getting ready for Jake’s house party. Only Christine, Iris, Matt, and Sara went while Honey and Greg went on a date in the park. At the party Iris gets drunk and starts dancing with Nate Williams, a gorgeous friend of Matt who also plays on the soccer team, until Matt interrupts them. Sara and Matt take a break from dancing to play “Never Have I Ever” and they ultimately drunkenly “hook-up”. The chapter ends with Christine driving everyone home in her white BMW as Iris drunkenly babbles about how amazing Sean was, a guy she planned on making-out with that night. Sara and Matt have yet to confront what had happened at the party between them, but Sara already knows that their friendship has changed.

Stumbling through my front door, I kicked off my shoes leaving them in a pile by the corner. My mother used to hate it every time I did this, but I doubted she would say anything even if she did manage to notice. Making my way to the kitchen by memory I flicked on the lights, the suddenness and brightness causing me to grimace and shut my eyes. Reluctantly re-opening my eyes they adjusted to the bright light and I daftly opened the stainless steel fridge searching for a bottle of water to take upstairs with me. It was always a good idea to stay well hydrated while drunk, because you tended to lose a lot of water. That would probably explain the three trips I had already taken to the bathroom since the first couple shots of vodka. Finding the clear bottle with a light blue label at the bottom of the door, I slammed the fridge shut.

For the first time I noticed the light pink note that was staring me right in the face, held in place by a tiny black magnet. Calmly removing it from the fridge I noticed how rushed the black ink looked, how the messy scribbles that marked the page were carelessly created before focusing on the individual words.

Went on a business trip, will be back in six days.

Left money for food on the counter.

-Mom

The note made me feel all warm and tingly inside from all the love. Not. Crumpling the piece of paper into a little ball, I was prepared to chuck it at anything. Hard. But before I could, all the energy drained out of me and the crumpled note lifelessly fell from my hand, dropping to the tile floors. I sighed in resignation of the facts at hand. Throwing stuff wouldn’t change anything, and I would just have to clean it all up anyways. Anger wouldn’t solve anything. This rationality surprised even me and I wondered if I was done caring. If I’d always be trapped in this limbo-esque purgatory; just going through the motions of everyday life.

Languidly I made my way to my bedroom, despite all my plans to make this place feel like my own it was still bare and empty. I figure it’s the best representation of me anyways. I wasn’t into sports, or celebrities, or music, or anything. Passions ceased to hold my attention and any decorations would just be a false attempt to convince myself and others that I was this happy normal person, when I so evidently wasn’t.

Being drunk was making me depressed when all I wanted was to be irrational right now.

I scanned the room as I stood at the entrance unmoving, glancing at my open closet and barely made bed.  The clothes that I had been debating to wear earlier tonight were thrown haphazardly onto the ground in front of the built-in closet and I was reminded of all the effort I made to look slutty. For some reason I found the thought that I had to look slutty ridiculous and I started laughing out loud. The whole situation, everything, life, it all just seemed hilarious. Why would anyone try this hard for anything? It was all pointless.

My laughter quickly turned into untamed fury though as I recalled everything that had brought me to this moment. The faces, the events. Things I wanted to forget and others I always wanted to remember. All those memories crashed into me at full speed, slamming me into a brick wall and not even checking to see if I was still alive afterwards. I was paralysed for several seconds, as wave after wave hit me till I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. I couldn’t keep the calm façade up anymore, not when I was alone in my room with no witnesses. I couldn’t pretend every second of the day that everything was alright and now seemed as good a time as any to finally fall apart just once. To allow myself to be weak just this once while no one else was watching, I wouldn’t even watch it myself.

With the last ounce of calmness that I had, I neatly grabbed the sheet from my bed and gently placed it over the mirror that hung above of my dresser. I tugged the corners till it was covering the glass perfectly, once satisfied I closed my eyes and allowed all those walls I built to protect myself and even my mother to crumble just for tonight.

Turning around to face my almost barren bedroom my sight landed on the pillows that were strewn precariously on my bed. They were the same ones I had before we moved here when life was normal when everything was perfect. I flipped my mattress over, knocking it onto the cold hardwood floor. It was stupid anyways, everything was so stupid. I kicked the mattress a couple times enjoying the feeling of my foot making contact with the godforsaken object. Angrily gathering the discarded potential outfits that laid at the foot of the closet from earlier tonight, I scrunched them up into a ball and whipped it into the back of my closet knocking some sweaters loose from their rightful place.

I wasn’t finished yet though, I hunted for those stupid pillows that were partly covered by the mattress that now resided on the floor and chucked them through my room door and into the hallway. I didn’t want to have to look at them, I didn’t want to have to see them. Slamming my room door shut, I slid against it till I reached the ground. Looking at all the damage I had caused made me cringe. What happened to my rational self? I knew that I, and I alone would have to be the one to clean all this.

Emptying my skirt's pockets because the objects were digging into my side I pulled out my phone and I saw a text message from Matt. I stared at the notification for a couple minutes, not wanting to have to accept whatever decision he had abrasively made while drunk. I didn’t want to hear how he made a mistake or regretted it. I didn’t want to know if he thought I was bad at sex. I didn’t want to have to face the recognition of how I ruined my friendship with Matthew. The friendship that I needed so badly right now. I wanted him here so badly right now. But more importantly I wanted my mother here to hold me to her bosom, as she gently brushed my hair and told me everything was going to be okay. I needed her to tell me that she still loved me and always would. I needed for things to go back to the way they were before all of this ever happened.

I’m coming over tomorrow morning at 11 Sara.

We need to actually talk this time.

-Matt

Talk. He wanted to talk. I wasn’t sure if it was relief that was flooding through my veins or disappointment. But salty tears fell from eyes, and I curled up into a little ball on the floor. I had no idea what he wanted, I had no idea what anyone wanted from me anymore.

My mind ran wild of all the possible scenarios and outcomes, not just with Matt but with all the mistakes I have made in life. Slowly my eyes became heavier, and the tears stopped falling till the darkness lulled me into a restless sleep.