An Average Girl

Reflection In The Mirror

A cool breeze flowed in through the window, the plastic blinds billowing before resting back in their initial positions. The skin raised on my thighs as goose bumps, the air biting at my exposed nerves. This was nature’s way of telling me that I had strayed so openly and in such an undignifying way, but the cold barely touched me when all I could focus on was the deep carnivorous pain in my chest that kept eating away at my vulnerable flesh. Was this all I would ever be?

Pulling my legs up to my chest I rested my head on my bare knees, gazing out of the window into the night sky. There were no stars visible by moonlight on this ever so boring evening; the darkness enveloping the dim shine of stars billions of light years away. The angry noise of fluorescent light bulbs in houses and street lamps shielding us, from the death of glowing stars that are so beautiful that we refuse to acknowledge that they may have died years before we were even born. We believe that the lights we leave on will guide our lost brother or sister home, but the path they need to travel is not always illuminated by practicality or reason.

Just breathe.

I focus on the inhale and exhale of my every breath, my diaphragm expanding with the increase of oxygen and relaxing with the exhale of carbon dioxide. The anxiety at my foolishness never builds, but the undesired water pools at the corners of my eyes. I try to blink them away, keep the tears at bay because I have no reason to feel this empty. I have no reason to cry. I let this happen to me, and if I was a stronger person I would have told him no. But I didn’t, and that is my fault.

My disappointment in myself was the only resolution I needed. I was a whore and the sooner I owned up to that, the easier it would be to look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cringe at the weak useless girl I would see. With an indelicate bounce I climbed off of the bed and found my black jeans on the other side of the room in a heap. Glancing in the mirror on the closet door, I refused to make eye contact with my reflection, instead focusing solely on my hair. It was slightly rumpled, but my lack of participation in this evening’s events allowed for a few runs of my fingers through my hair to return it to normal.

Just breathe.

Pivoting away from the closet I exhaled a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. All I had to do was go downstairs, smile, and everything was going to be alright. In a couple hours I’d be home and I could just stop thinking for awhile as I slept.

The wooden door swung open with unrestrained force, my body jumping in immediate response. Matt stood in the doorway, his face trying to remain devoid but his eyes were begging for answers. Iris was meekly behind him, her frame almost completely hidden by the wall as she stood on the other side of the entry. Gently she placed a hand on his shoulder, silently asking Matt to calm down and rethink things. But rationality holds no place when it comes to passion, and at the very least Matt and I had always held passion when it came to our burning fire.

“Is is true?” he gritted out, despair and anger waging between his words. They wanted me to deny it, to tell them it never happened, that I was in this room all alone for some quiet, that Nate was just being a stupid ass. But it wasn’t the truth.

I sucked on my bottom lip, biting the skin. “Is what true?” I stalled desperately hoping Nate would have had enough sense to wait till tomorrow to start bragging about his latest lay.

I turned my back on the conversation, taking measured steps towards the still open window. The cold wind on my face felt refreshing as I inhaled the fresh evening air. Nature was simple that way. It could be angry rain falling from the skies or a warming breeze that coddled children at the beach, but at the end of the day it was always there and eager to soothe. “Sara, were you in here with Nate?” he asked again, his words guarded like a medieval castle armed with knights ready to slay any foreign enemies who dared defy him. He was the King, but not even all the knights in the world could hide his baby faced innocent heart. And that is why his words made me cringe in regret, my eyes closing at the impact of his question.