An Average Girl

Trying To Understand

It was the first day of the Christmas break and there was not a single white snowflake to be found. The air was a little chilly, but the temperature was still nice. I despised the word nice it was over-used to such a point that it has become a non-descriptive, meaningless, ambiguous adjective. But for all those reasons it was perfect, I mean when does the topic of weather ever come up? Only when one has exhausted all other avenues of conversation with a person and must resort to the most trivial of subjects.

Regardless, Christmas in Florida was a lot different than New York. The smell of pine and hot cocoa used to fill the house every year, with a row of red and white candy canes lining the windows. I used to steal one every Christmas Eve and eat it in my room, buried under the blanket with oversized fuzzy socks for extra warmth. Was Christmas different in Florida or was it just me that changed?

Christmas shopping with Lily for our mom, I swear she wants us to buy everything. What are you up to right now?–Matt  

Isn’t that the dilemma of being a child? When you’re young and walking through a store it’s heaven, it shows you beautiful shiny things that you seemingly desire. That is till you buy them, use them once, and toss it in a corner to be forgotten about. Oh to be young and naïve.

Hahaha, have you gotten Lily something yet? I replied to the first part of his text. I didn’t think shopping for a six year old could be hard. As long as you didn’t get her socks, I’m sure she’d be ecstatic. But that raised another question of whether or not I should be getting Matt anything. We were definitely not dating, but we were still friends. Friends get friends gifts, right?

Hesitantly I sent the second half of my message, Decorating the tree with my mom… there’s so much tinsel! LIAR, my mind screamed at my blatant deception. I didn’t want Matt to know that I was sitting alone in my room like a depressing fool. The holidays were meant to be a joyous occasion where people spent time with their family, and my mom just so happened to be gone for the next three weeks in the Bahamas. It was for work though; at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I collapsed back on my bed, blowing the strands of hair that fell in my face away only for them to land in the same spot again. I wanted school to start up once more already; it would at the very least give me a reason to escape this place, to run away from the emptiness of not only my house but my heart. It’s funny, not so much ironic, that the longer you keep a secret that more it begs to be told. For years I felt no inclination to speak the truth but now it seems impossible to keep hidden beneath the surface for much longer. I continue waiting for the day where the burden becomes so strong that I’m faced with only two decisions. Speak or take it to my grave.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. I read that somewhere and I cannot help but believe it to be true.

Matt and I continued the flow of texts for the rest of the day, his responses more erratic than mine due to him actually being out and accomplishing things. I was just a distraction that slowed him down, took time away from his mother and sister who needed him. They needed him like he needed them, and it was a symbiotic relationship where if one broke down the other could not survive.

I couldn’t help but wonder what Christmas was like for the Storm family, if they were able to be happy knowing that the only gift they could ever ask for would never come wrapped beneath the Christmas tree with a little red bow perfectly tied with a note from Santa Claus.

Is it alright if I come over? He asked, my first instinct was to glance around my room at the mess I had been wallowing in all day. The strewn blankets had somehow ended up on the floor next to the bottle of pink nail polish that I painted my long nails earlier.