Remembering Us

Locked

He stared at me for a long time and just as he was about to speak the front light of my house came on making us both look up.

"I hope you had a decent time." He says quietly unlocking the car.

"Carson tell me, I can handle it whatever it is." I say back begging. "All I want is to understand!" I plead and he shakes his head.

"Blakey I shouldn't be the one to tell you. It might be too much for you to take in." He says unlocking the car and getting out. I feel a tear slip out but I wipe it away before he can see.

"Fine whatever then. You can leave. I'll see you tomorrow Carson." I snap and slam the car door.

"Blakely-" he starts but stops himself. He looks down at his feet and walks back to the car and I turn around and make my way to the door. As I pull open the door I storm into the living room where my parents are sitting on the couch. They notice the tears and my mom rushes to my side.

"What happened?" She asks frantically my dad standing up in the process as well. I look up at both of them and really see them for the first time. My mom has bags under her eyes and seems to be nothing but skin and bones. My dads hair is turning gray and he too looks worn out and all of a sudden I'm taken back to a time where I see them happy and healthy.

"When were you going to tell me?" I ask angrily. "How long were you going to wait? Or were you just going to keep this from me forever?" I yell and my dad walks up to me and looks me straight in the eyes. "He had your eyes. He had your features. He had moms personality." I sob and he wraps his arms around me.

I cry until I feel nothing as I remember the brother I forgot I had. The brother I will never see again.

***

I jolt awake shaking and realize it's 6 a.m. I didn't want to go to school today but I can't afford to miss more days. I lazily put on a pair of sweats and throw on a zip up thin sweatshirt. I walk to the bathroom and cringe at my reflection. I look like absolute shit and I'm not sure how much my makeup can do for me at this point. I throw my hair into a messy ponytail and look at myself one more time. I don't bother even putting contacts in, I just grab my glasses and throw those on. I don't care if I look horrifying. I make my way upstairs and make myself some hot chocolate and pour that into a thermos without waking my parents. I grab an apple and walk to my car.

One the way to school I throw my apple out the window realizing after one bite that I wasn't hungry. How could I not have known about Ben's death? How could no one have mentioned it to me? It didn't make sense, none of it. Ben had been the driver, I shouldn't have even been with him and- him and who? My mom had mentioned an Emma but that name didn't ring a bell. It's hard and heartless to not be able to mourn a death when you have no idea who they were.

I pull into the parking lot and sit in my car for awhile until I have no choice but to go in. I make no attempt to find Jazz or Kayla but Andrew stops me in the hall after first hour.

"Leave me alone. I'm not really in the mood for talking." I say quietly to him as he rushes to catch up with me. "You know if we were such good friends why didn't you tell me?" I ask but realize it's not fair. I'm upset and I can't be doing this to Andrew. "I'm sorry." I say back quietly stopping and looking at him. He doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around me. He rests his chin on my forehead and I don't want to let go.

"I'm sorry Blakely. We didn't want to destroy you. We didn't know how you would take it. Carson wanted it that way." He finishes letting go of me and pushing a stand of hair out of my face.
"Carson should have butted out." I say back angrily. "What gave him the right to have everyone keep that from me?"