What If

Chapter 23

The temperature was freezing. Snow would start falling soon, I was sure. It was already late November. It was also windy like you wouldn't believe. I was holding my exposed arms in a failing attempt to keep myself warm as I faltered my way home. I should ask my mom if the school has winter uniforms, I thought.

School had been no more interesting than it had been the day before. Well, since the squabble between me and Natasha happened the day before, then I guess today was a lot less interesting by comparison. I didn't see Natasha. I didn't see Paul. I didn't see George outside of our normal classes together. Just another regular day with nothing special going on. Or so I thought.

It was finally the weekend and with everything going on between me and the boys, the weekdays had seemed to drag on forever. I was looking forward to some carefree relaxing. Nothing to worry about, nothing to dread.

"Colleen!" I heard behind me, for the billionth time. The voice was the last voice I wanted to hear; the sound scratching in my ears as a warning of impending doom.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Paul, running to catch up with me. He wasn't excited or happy; he looked like he just really needed to talk to me. Shit, I thought. I stopped in my tracks and waited for him. He just stood in front of me, blankly, not really knowing how to start. Things between us were quiet, the only sound being the harsh wind that refused to stop blowing.

He seemed shy and nervous and anxious, like this was spontaneous and hadn't planned what to say in advance. "Listen, I want to apologize for my behavior the other day," he said, giving me his classic puppy-dog eyes. They were cute, I'll admit, but they wouldn't make up for what he did all by themselves. "I was really upset and . . . it doesn't excuse what I did, but I really want us to continue being friends, so . . . I'm really hoping you'll forgive me and we can move on from this and pretend that this never happened." He smiled a small smile, afraid of coming off too cocky. He paused and looked down at ground. "I saw what happened yesterday. Between you and Natasha. That was really gear, what you did. But I also heard everything you said about me: that I'm thickheaded and that you don't even like me. Do you really think that of me?" He looked back up into my eyes sadly.

I crossed my arms and scowled at him. Bet you're not gonna forget you kissed me anytime soon though. Not that you want to, I thought to myself. "Yes. Quite frankly, I do. Paul, I don't want to forget what you did," I said unhappily. "It shows me that you're an immature prick who pretends to be nice to get what he wants. And when I said no, you went ballistic. You're a spoiled brat who needs to hear 'no'. And, sorry, I guess I need to be the one to say it."

"But that's what's so special about you!" he continued. "No one's ever said 'no' before! And yet . . . and yet for some reason you do! There's something different about you that's not in other girls! That's why I've been trying so hard!"

"Trying?" I asked with a fake laugh. "How the Hell have you been trying?"

Flustered he said started listing "I haven't even looked at another girl since you came here! I haven't gone on a single date! I haven't had sex once! Do you know how many girls I would've gone on dates with and had sex with . . .?" He trailed off, listening to himself talk. "I'm not making a good case for myself, am I?"

"No. No, you're not," I responded dully.

"O-Okay, you got me there," he stuttered, frantically trying to think of how to fix his mistake. "But I'm changing and I'm doing my best to change and I have you to thank for that." His voice got softer and less desperate, like he finally gave up on excuses and just spoke of how he felt. His words sounded so heartfelt and honest that I actually felt kind of flattered, but I wondered if he was truly grateful or if this was just another one of his 'methods'. "And what happened with Dot . . . that was a while ago and I'm not like that anymore. Honest." He stuck his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground again. "Look, I'm not here to get you to date me or make you feel sorry for me or to defend my actions . . . I'm here because I'm asking for your forgiveness and I really like you, I do, and I want us to continue being friends."

Internally, I was greatly conflicted. I hated Paul. He didn't deserve my forgiveness. The way he treated people was clear proof of that. But he was a Beatle and if I wanted to continue to experience the great wonders that came with that, I would have to. Also, I had the benefit of knowing what he was going to do before he'd even done anything, which was an unfair advantage in my court. And I was also polite. I had a history of being a pushover in the past . . . or future . . . in that I would do favors or things for people even if they weren't the nicest or most deserving, just because I was a decent person. As long as I'm not dating him, it should be fine, I told myself.

My emotions showed clear on my face when I sighed and said "I guess. I mean, I was having a great time with you before, but I don't want your feelings to get in the way of us being friends again."

"Yes." Paul put his hands up and motioned them to show he agreed. "I completely agree. I promise nothing like that will ever happen again. And to start off our newfound friendship, I would like you to come over to my house. Just to talk and hang out and . . . pick up where we left off." He paused waiting for my answer.

I was battling my internal demons again. I wanted to, yet I didn't want to. The last time I was in a room alone with one of them, it didn't end so well, though the time itself wasn't bad. Being with Paul alone after he forcibly kissed me probably wasn't a good idea and just thinking about it made me uncomfortable. It wasn't the best thing for what we were going through at the moment. But I did want to rebuild my friendship with Paul, especially since most of it was destroyed. And after what happened, I doubt he would try anything like that while I was over there.

Noticing my hesitation, he went on to say "My dad and brother will be there. It's not like we're gonna be alone." Ugh, I hated meeting other people's family. It's always so awkward: never knowing what to say, having nowhere to look but directly at their faces, and forcing a smile at all times even though you feel extremely uncomfortable inside. All that did was add to the con list. Although, that meant there was even less of a chance that he would act out while we were there, so what better time to start than when we were under supervision?

"Well," I said, still hesitant. "I suppose. I have nothing better to do today." I smiled, half of it being fake-overjoyed. "Sure, why not?"

Paul grinned and sighed in relief. "Great! Let's go! I'll show you where it is! I'm so glad you said yes!" He grabbed my hand and practically yanked me in the direction of his house.

What have I gotten myself into? I thought regretfully.