What If

Chapter 44

School was incredibly awkward the day the break was over. I didn't want to see Paul or George at all. I was too embarrassed over the way they had last seen me: totally wasted and mumbling like a newborn baby, unable to move on my own or hold eye contact for any length of time.

I also felt incredibly stupid. I had told them all that I didn't drink and that I had never been drunk before. And before that idiotic party, that had been completely true. And I had stuck to my guns, even when they had offered me stuff to drink in the past. Now, the first time I ever drank more than a couple sips, I overdid it. I way overdid it. I thought they were going to think that I was a either a liar or an idiot and basically drop me in the dust. If I had actually drunk before, why would I tell them I didn't and then get blackout drunk in front of them anyway? And if I hadn't, who would drink that much their first time? Either way, it wasn't a very smart move on my part.

I also thought that they would lose interest in me because they'd figure that I was in fact just like every other girl they'd come across and that they'd made a mistake. I didn't if they lost romantic interest, but I still wanted dearly to be their friend and hangout with them. Even beyond the fact that they were the pre-Beatles, they were still fun to pal around with.

Now that my head was clearer, I thought about how John had seen me that way. John Lennon had to take care of me like a child. I blushed whenever the image entered my mind. I was mortified that he had seen me like that. Three of the four Beatles saw me like that. My stomach felt like it was infinitely falling through a pit when I thought about it. Even though they weren't famous right now, to me they were among the most famous people in the world with an incredible amount of power. I couldn't believe I allowed myself to get to that state in front of them. I was such a pathetic fool. I felt overly ashamed.

I shoved an armful of books into my locker and shook out the pain. The day was only half over, but I was more than ready for that final bell to ring. Much more than the usual.

"Hey, Colleen," I heard over my shoulder.

The voice caught me off guard and I spun around to see Paul standing there with a small smile on his face. The adrenaline left my veins pretty quick when I saw that it was only him, but I still wanted him to go away.

"Hey, Paul," I said, my voice barely audible. I refused to make eye contact with him, gluing my eyes to his feet.

"How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine," I answered, not moving my gaze in the slightest.

He tilted his head, trying to catch my eyes. "Is everything okay?" he asked, concerned at my sudden shyness.

"Everything's fine," I said softly, my voice getting a little bit weaker. I glanced up at his face for a split second only to shoot them back down again. I blushed, feeling more and more humiliated in front of him the longer I thought of the last state he saw me in.

"Are you sure?" he asked, his smile completely dissipated. "You don't look so good."

"Paul, I promise, I'm fine," I said, my voice cracking a bit, exposing my lie.

He hunched down a little bit to try and catch my eye from under my bent head. I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to make eye contact at all.

I can't really describe it. I felt different. I felt very different. Even though Paul, John, and George weren't well known in this current time, to me they were still the Beatles. And for them to see me in such a vulnerable and pathetic state, it struck a very negative chord inside of me. I felt that I couldn't face them anymore. I was already humiliated enough when I came to after my experience with John. I didn't want to confront the other two in addition.