Persian Rugs

10.

......Ashanti

"No don't look at me. Hold your head up and look at the wall." Jayde instructed. I did as told and stood there letting her capture the picture of me. Even though I was there in the same room as her I wasn't. Everything she said to me brought back memories.

**flashback

"Hold your head up ma. Why you so down?" This stud asked lifting my head. I looked at her and broke down crying. Where the extra sadness came from I don't know but I hate it.

"You breaking my heart right now lil ma." She said lifting me up from the bar stool by my hand. "Why you crying?" She asked. Still no answer. Id been sitting in this bar for a good 3 hours now. Yesterday was my 20th birthday and I was not feeling it. My ex gf broke up with me for another female that she claimed she ain't know. Hurt is all I felt deep down inside.

"I'm fine okay? I just wanna be left alone." She took that as a que to be more into business cause she sat down. "I'm not leaving till I see you smile." She replied waving the bartender over. She ordered both of us a drink and then turned back to me.

"Your boyfriend dumped you?" She asked getting straight to the point. I shook my head no. Laughing internally at the thought of me being with a man. Ew. "Your dog died?" Now that was a knee slapper. I cried laughing. "No okay? My girlfriend dumped me on my birthday yesterday and I just don't feel like myself." I told her causing her to raise an eyebrow.

"Your girlfriend huh? On your birthday? Damn..." She smiled hard and downed the drink the bartender gave her. I nodded my head yea and watched as she stared at me. Reading my soul.

"So you one of them huh?" I frowned my face up getting ready to snap but she held her hand up. "One of them females that I seem to can't stay away from. One of them girls that like girls. Thats a turn on." She whispered to me. I smiled and shook my head. "Yea a female that like females that are faithful." I responded sipping from the drink she ordered. We sat there talking till the lights cut completely on in the bar and no one was there. That was the start of a beautiful beginning.

"Ashanti!!!!!!" I heard Jayde call. I snapped back into place and smiled small at her. "Yes jayde I'm sorry.." I whispered holding my head down. I wiped a couple tears away from my eyes and walked off the set. Jayde followed behind me but I kept a pretty good pace. I didn't want to be bothered.

"Whats wrong ma?" Jayde asked switching into girlfriend mode. I entered by dressing room and sat down slamming my fist into the desk. I put my head down and cried to myself. I felt Jayde's presence but she didn't move close. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"Jayde I'm hurting myself..." I managed to say after a while. "I want to fall for you I wanna be with you. But I can't. My heart won't let me Jayde." She was now holding me in her arms letting me cry into her shoulder. "Ashanti I'm not here to make you rush into anything. If you need me to back up a little I can. I will. I wanna wait for you cause I want to be in your life whether you want me here or not." She rubbed my back while I continued to cry.

"J-Jayde...Ion think I can ever learn to love.. I don't even think I can ever fall for anyone Jayde.. I'm just ragged." She kissed my forehead a couple times then let me change so we can leave.

About 10 minutes later she came back. "I let everyone know we're done and the pictures are saved so yea we ready to go boo." She held my hand and lead me outta the studio. "Are you feeling better?" She asked as we got inside the car. I missed my head and leaned against the window letting my mind wander once again.

**flashback

"Ashanti ain't that Ri over there hugged up with some female?" Dior laughed pointing to the corner of the club. "Ion see how that's funny Dior you our best friend you should be pissed too." Dashay snapped.

"Ri been broke up with me y'all. I just ain't ever tell y'all. Why? Because of the lil slick shit Dior say plus I wanted to get through this on my own." I explained to my best friends. Dior laughed while Dashay grew mad as hell.

"She gone feel my pain." Dashay mumbled stomping over to Ri. She snatched the lil female away from Ri and swung hard as hell knocking Ri off her feet. She jumped up and they started fighting. Going at it like cats and dogs.

The lights came on in the club and security rushed over breaking them apart. That was my best friends first charge. All for me.

While on the road Jayde gripped my hand kissing it every now and then. I felt bad for not letting her get into my heart. But then again I don't cause I'm not letting anyone else hurt me. I vow to my life that ima protect myself. I'm not letting anyone change that.

"Jayde my past was scary. I think that's why I won't fully let you in.." I told her as she continued driving. "I understand Shanti just don't push me away I won't hurt you." My shoulders dropped and I leaned against the window. Why can't I just learn to be calm and love someone?! Ri scarred me for life. And then she died, that just put more spark to a small flame. It broke me. "Ill try Jayde." Was all I could say before we pulled up to the house. My mind heavily drenched in thoughts.