I remember asking myself yesterday morning if something was going to go wrong.
I felt good for not having any sleep the night before. I was smiling, everything was going right.
I sat myself down and wondered what would happen. I'm never this happy and if things are going right, usually something will bring me back down.
I was right. The day continued on, everything went down hill. I became once again, depressed.
Some people don't understand what it's like sometimes. It's different sometimes for each person who goes through it.
I feel like I'm caged in sometimes, nowhere to go. I feel the need to run when I feel things aren't going to end well.
I look at myself like I'm trash, I can't admire myself for being me. I don't see myself as beautiful or strong or anything like that. I see myself as ugly, weak, and worthless.
I over-think too much about things. It bothers me. The slightest things can set my mood off. I'll be happy for a few minutes and then, there I go back to being down again.
I don't know if I can truly smile anymore. The smiles I have now, they're confusing. Most are fake, trying desperately to be polite, others might be formed because smiling sends a signal to others that I'm okay, even when I'm really not.
I've had someone tell me to get over what's going on. I have some tell me that it'll be okay soon. It might, but that gives me hope. Hope isn't what I need. I'm confused most times about what I exactly need.
Sometimes I need someone to listen, sometimes I need someone to just hug and talk about other things. Just to have someone there who knows that I'm down and I need help to get back up again.
Sometimes I don't need anyone but myself because that's really the only person who can help you the most in the end, yourself.
It took me a long time to fully be able to write about something like this. I was scared at first, I'm still scared slightly. I know others are out there with this too.
You're not alone. Never. I'm here. Always.
Thank you to my very best friend of mine who I will always love and I hope to keep you in my life until the very end. Thank you for helping me through this. Thank you for lending me your hand when you're stuck under the water as well. We'll make it through this, we'll make it through together. You and me, we'll do it.
